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Unsure of how to progress.

by smoked

I feel like I've hit a bit of a dead end as far as my presence on the internet is concerned.

My existence has sort of just deteriorated to the point where I no longer have any friends, connections or followings that justify my presence anywhere. Sometimes I just want to start over, but even that is hard to justify.

It feels like nothing I have to say is worth saying because others have already said it better. Nothing I want to do is worth doing because others are already doing it better. I feel like if anyone looks at me, they just wonder why I even bother. I just feel pointless and embarrassing.

I'm afraid to even do anything these days because I don't know what the very few people still following me anywhere even want to see from me. I don't even know what I want to see from me anymore.

I still want to create, I want to socialize, I want to have friends. Something always goes wrong though. I understand that it's just a result of my own failings, but I just can't for the life of me figure out how to do things right.

Is this a cry for help? A plea for guidance? Just venting? I'm not sure yet... I just feel lost and alone.

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Added:	3 years, 2 months ago 25 Feb 2021 09:03 CET

17 Comments on this Journal

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notactiveanymore

3 years, 2 months ago

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Sometimes if you feel like you need to start over, you could. Everything you say is something worth saying, everyone has their own opinions and inputs that are valuable, including your thoughts and feelings.

You can draw whatever you want, anything you'd like. You're still a great artist and a great friend to me~

Don't get hung up on how some people may be better than you, you're good in your own ways! Think how you'd want your art to be in the future, do you still wanna create mlp art, or move onto more furry or even anime related stuff? anything is possible. No matter what art you'd produce, I'll always enjoy it~

Any art would be cool to see from you. Not everything needs to be finalized pieces of art. Some sketches and that would be cool to see as well. I'll always be there for you. No matter what. I hope you'll be staying safe & strong. <3

smoked

3 years, 2 months ago

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@ notactiveanymore

First off, thank you so much for leaving this comment and for being so supportive, a lot of this was stuff I really needed to hear, and it was just really nice to hear from you again!

So, I've kinda wanted to start over for a few years. It started with the Tumblr exodus, that really messed things up for me in terms of identity and motivation, and I never really felt right anywhere else (especially when using the same name). I could never come up with a better name though. "Smoked" just came from the title of a song I was listening to at the time.

I really wanna do furry stuff, both anthro and not. I was already into furry stuff even before the whole pony thing began. It's definitely a lot harder to do though! I don't want to abandon the ponies entirely either. No matter what though, thank you so much for being willing to stick with me through whatever I end up doing, that means a lot!

It's hard to overcome the obsession with comparing myself to others when doing things. I think I spend too much time looking at other peoples' art these days. It sometimes feels like anything I have to add would be redundant, and that nobody would care either way. But it makes me happy to know that at least someone out there is still interested!

I'll try my best to work up the courage to share things again, even if I'm not 100% satisfied with them. I say things like this a lot, but comments like these really make a difference, especially for someone like me with the issues I have. Thank you again for your kindness, you're a great friend to me as well~ <3

ZippySqrl

3 years, 2 months ago

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Ohey you're alive.
You are feeling how I have a good many times during this long ride, the whole "nothing I have to say is worth saying because others have already said it better. Nothing I want to do is worth doing because others are already doing it better."

Even if you don't see value in your own work, others do, so what if there's a dozen+ pictures like it, people won't like it any less. Some people will like it simply because you drew it, maybe people like your style more than the style of the others, so there's subjective appeal there.
Maybe people hadn't seen the others, or if they have, yours is a pleasant reminder, and hell, I've seen some people commission essentially the same exact picture from dozens of different artists, just to see all the different interpretations. and that's really what it sums up to in the end, the realisation is yours and yours alone, even if the idea is the same, the outcome will be unique, and that makes it worth doing, and worth seeing.

Also
Since you've been gone, I've got a couple OCs of my own now.
Designing a universe for them, giving them personalities and a "canon" story of sorts has given me plenty to do which nobody else has done before.

smoked

3 years, 2 months ago

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@ ZippySqrl

Yep still alive!

It's nice to know I'm not alone with those feelings, thank you. And that's a really good, positive way of going about it. I used to think in a similar way when I was more active, but then something changed. I think my optimism died out some three or four years ago now; I'm still working on reviving it.

And regarding the OC thing, that's awesome! I really want to work on creating OCs and original stuff like that. It requires a level of creativity I'm still not sure I'm capable of yet, but it's an ambition of mine (along with returning to game development, which ties into this in a number of ways..).

Thanks so much for your comment, I've always had a lot of respect for you, both as an artist, and just as a person as well. I still see your name frequently popping up whenever I'm lurking around out there, and I'm always consistently impressed with how you manage to maintain such a solid presence. It means a lot that you'd take the time to encourage me.

ZippySqrl

3 years, 2 months ago

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@ smoked

God, it has been a constant internal battle for me for years with whether I should focus on art and stuff or game development.

smoked

3 years, 2 months ago

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@ ZippySqrl

Same! I wish I could just.. do everything. Instead I get overwhelmed with trying to figure out what to do, and I do nothing. Whoops!

But now that my health has improved a bit and I'm running out of excuses, I'm gonna try to get back at creating things, hopefully as soon as today.

ZippySqrl

3 years, 2 months ago

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@ smoked

I look forward to it uwu

Kinaj

3 years, 2 months ago

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Sometimes we fail, but that's not always the case. Especially when we want to create or be social things sometimes just don't work out. They aren't meant to, and that's just how it is sometimes. Sometimes it at least offers a way to improve or learn something.

Something that drives me a lot...well, apart of that hope to one day be actually kinda successful and meet people I've always wanted to meet and have around me, is that I have things in me that I want to express. Stories, desires and other things. And by the sound of it there are similiar things in you? Even if you couldn't grasp them yet. And of course there are always people who probably did similiar things before in a way that's more appealing to a broader group or even ourselfs. But it's never quite the same as what we want to express, not when it comes to art. And I think if you find something that you like, at some point you will find people who like it, too. Even if it's not happening immediatelly. It usually doesn't, probably. But sometimes!

smoked

3 years, 2 months ago

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@ Kinaj

Failure has always been difficult for me to overcome. My dumb brain says "if I don't get it right the first time, it wasn't worth doing to begin with". It's a terrible way of thinking, but it's hard to break away from. Hopefully some day I'll be able to.

I have a lot of the same thing, yeah! It's all been ideas floating around in my head for over a decade that I've had trouble really nailing down and making solid and cohesive. A big part of that is due to how rapidly my ideas mutate, and how difficult it is for me to settle on/finalize anything.

You're right - self expression is very important to me, and something I admire in all forms of art across all mediums. I suppose I need to learn to convince myself that my own expressions are worth something as well (in addition to actually learning how to better express myself, of course).

Thank you very much for your comment, it's honestly really great to see such genuine responses from thoughtful people like you!

Kinaj

3 years, 2 months ago

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@ smoked

It's certainly a mindset difficult to deal with! I've been trying to battle similiar thoughts by...kinda actively disagreeing them. If that makes sense. And eventually it helped me, but sure takes a while.

Yeeeah, I swear I've started drawing with the main idea of telling these stories in my head, and nearly a decate later I haven't written a single page about it yet and by now they've changed so much as well. It's quite hard to stem such a big project, that's for sure. I don't know how other people manage that seemingly so easy.
Expressing oneself, also such a hard thing!

Well, thank you very much! And thanks for reading it, too! I am certainly no expert in dealing with these things, but I've learned a thing or two and am glad if I can pass that on, if it helps!

smoked

3 years, 2 months ago

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@ Kinaj

That actually does make sense to me! I already have arguments with myself on a daily basis, perhaps I can use this power for good...

And yes, it's an unfortunate consequence of working slowly for me, it even happens with shorter-term things like drawings. Maybe such a turbulent process ultimately leads to something more personal... I'm not sure, but I'd like to think so at least~

Mhmm, it is appreciated greatly! And I think I prefer it over listening to some sort of 'expert'. the response feels more genuine and realistic when coming from just another person, so thank you very much for that <3

FauxPas

3 years, 2 months ago

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Keep doing g4 ponies, transition into anthro/furry and start looking at the new g5's ponies that were just revealed today. Your work is good and I look forward to more of it!~~

smoked

3 years, 2 months ago

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@ FauxPas

Hey thanks dude! I do want to do more of thems pones, guess I kinda just ran out of ideas after my last couple of attempts felt like they were going nowhere.

I haven't looked into the 5th gen stuff too much yet, but from what I saw they are rather cute!

MostValuedPony

3 years, 2 months ago

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Edited 3 years, 2 months ago by Owner

Sorry for being a few days late to reply.

When you said you feel embarrassed, I really felt that. When I'm writing I often question why I'm creating something so badly written (or badly drawn every once in a while), but something I've learned is you just have to keep pushing through because if you persist one day you will be the one who others look up to as "better."

Many times we don't appreciate how good we are or how much we like our work until we can't do it anymore. My Mom was just talking to me the other day about all the crafts that she made that she did not like, only to want them later after she had gotten rid of them. Of course, this won't really help you in current day, but I think you are better then you give yourself credit for.

As for how to get your spark of motivation back, I have an idea however there is never really a concrete method for something like that. Studying others art and breaking down the lines is okay, but just looking and thinking "I wish I were that good" is not helpful. You gotta break out of that mindset and instead think "Let me go be that good right now" or something. I have written my best things after I did a detox from social media. So that's something to think about.

I realllyyyy feel you when you said that you want to create things but it always goes wrong. Same with friends. I think if I had to sum up my overall problems of the last year or more, it would be that exact reason. All I can say is just know you'll find friends who don't disappear eventually. Once we are able to go meet people Irl again it should be easier. However that might not be a thing for a while still. But just keep your head up and you'll get that one friend group eventually

I hope you are okay, know that you are not alone and millions of others feel the same things to varying degrees of course. It seems like you have it bad though. It'll get better. Not to make this about me but I use to be in a tough spot as well. I was able to get out of that spot by not caring so much about my lack of friends or the quality of my art. I just tried to enjoy as much as I could and eventually I looked back and I suddenly had friends (sorta). If you get busy, your mind can't wander to dark places. However mind wandering is good for brainstorming, like I mentioned before I created the whole premise of my current book by detoxing, but if it gets bad thoughts and harmful then obvs its not great. If you want someone to talk to you, play with or just vent can always message me, my Discord is Cuddle Driven Pony#1271 or you can message me here I guess.

Good luck with the furries. Human type stuff is hard and it's partially why I stick with ponies. Have you seen the new G5 stuff and do you like it or not? Good luck with making your game too.

Oh and making stuff for your OC is seriously the best thing ever. I really recommend it. My Inkbunny is not up to date at all but I have been making all sorts of stories and lore about my OC. It's like so cool when you can tell someone paragraphs about your character, and it's all stuff you thought up yourself. When people say my cake design for him is amazing I just feel so happy.
Anyways, good luck. I almost hit the character limit lol

smoked

3 years, 2 months ago

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@ MostValuedPony

It's okay, it's never too late as far as I'm concerned!

It's hard to push through those feelings, but I understand what you mean. I suppose not everything has to be the best after all. I know a lot of artists 'grind' through lots of creations as practice, but that's so hard for me to do for some reason. And I absolutely know what your mom meant.. as a kid I made a lot of really dumb games that I would always think were worthless a year later, so I never bothered backing any of them up... and I regret it now.

Yeah I guess there's kind of a balance there, being able to look at others' work without it being demotivating. Because of that, I've been detoxing from looking at peoples' art if I'm gonna try to draw. It helps me focus on my own work instead of just thinking of my art as just one of many, and I've been doin' at least a little bit of work each day now (well, except today, today was weird).

Mmh, yeah, the friend thing is really tough for me. I have severe anxiety/trust issues. I haven't had any new irl friends in a long time, not sure if that'll ever change! Social stuff is a huge challenge for me, but the small handful of people who still put up with me over the internet are enough to keep me sane. I really do appreciate anyone who is willing to talk to me, including you, so thank you!

That crushing feeling of being completely alone is one of those things that just sorta... shows up every now and then. It's not a constant thing, but it hits veerrry hard when it does hit. Being busy does help though you're right, I try my best to keep myself distracted when I can. I'm glad you've been able to manage these things yourself, and that you were able to use your mind-wanderings for good!

Anthropomorphic stuff is very challenging. I used to do it (poorly) before I started doing the ponies, and I'm afraid to even go looking through the old composition books I have because I know if I see any of it I'll die ahaha. I've seen a little bit of the G5 stuff, and it looks interesting! And thank you, I hope to start that game (again) soon.

OC stuff is a major goal for me. I'm really indecisive when it comes to personal stuff though so it's a sloooow process for me. Where else do you share your stuff, by the way? And I can shoot ya a discord thingy when I am more awake later, if you'd still be okay with talking to someone like me (I try not to be a bother at least).

Thank you very very much for the thoughtful comment, I truly do appreciate each one. Good luck to you as well~

MostValuedPony

3 years, 2 months ago

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@ smoked

Yeah now that you brought it up I have some things as a kid that I miss as well. Things like Minecraft maps, Halo Reach Forge maps, and who knows what else lost to time. I guess the best we can do is move forward and enjoy life as much as possible uwu.

I have only sorta been able to control my loneliness lol. Work in progress xD

I wish I was like good with coding or a voice actor so I could help you with that game. I always see artist making games but the problem is they usually already have a story down and that's the only thing I'd be able to really help with since I'm a decent writer. I've always wanted to be a voice actor though as well as a programmer.

Yeah I've tried doing studies on humans and anthros and I can't get it down. I just need to like study that stuff for a week or two straight instead of one day though in order to make progress.

Yes of course I'd be okay with talking to you! You are not a bother. You seem thoughtful and nice, which are good traits as you can probably imagine cx. It's Cuddle Driven Pony#1271. I write on Google Docs and most of the time post it to my Fur Affinity. I don't know why I post it there, it's probably one of the lower ranked furry sites/art websites in general but I do anyways because I get more views for some reason. One day I'll post everywhere again though or somethin'.

smoked

3 years, 2 months ago

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@ MostValuedPony

Yeah, losin' that stuff can be kinda sad. 'Moving forward' was my mentality at the time, I suppose I'll just have to remind myself of that!

And I know what you mean, there's so many things I wish I could do! If things go my way, and I can successfully relearn how to program in the engine I'm planning on using, then there's definitely at some ways you could end up assisting a lil'~

Yeah man, the hand struggles are real... and the arm struggles... as well as the struggles of trying to make almost any other part look normal too. Humanoid bodies are such odd things...

Ahh thank you, sending it now then! And ooh okay, I was gonna try to start using FA at some point, but then I just sorta didn't. It seems like a good place to host stuff, I've just never liked using it for viewing things because I didn't like the layout/infrastructure as much as other places :P Or at least I didn't years ago, maybe it's better now.

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