sorry about my lack of art lately! I owe you an apology… I wasn’t sure if talking about this, because it's a delicate subjet. But it's not something I can hide. Sooner or later everything that happens to me in rea life gets reflected on my art anyways, so, I thought it might make good to my soul to talk about it a bit.
I’ve spent a lot of time trying so hard to befriend this artist since last year’s December. I’ve been neglecting my personal art projects and my comission work, and spent the very few free time I have (when I wasn’t at my job or looking for a job) trying to "make things clic" with him. But things didn’t really turned out well for me. I have the worst luck you know...
Also, I write this in order to not worrying my mom more. I've talked about this with her today because I needed a bit of comfort, but now I feel guilty cos I just gave her extra stress and made her feel bad without intention. She's got a lot of things to worry about, finantially, health (she has high pressure issues) and also issues with my dad cos he cheated on her, and they are getting divorced. And it's been hard for me and my siblings too. I don't want to bother my friends personally either, because I know they have busy lifes as well, and a couple of them are passing through even hardest times than me in this moment.
So…On December last year I found a fellow artist I fell in love with him.
He’s an illustrator, 2D animator and an streamer like me. And honest to god, he has the most beautiful and cool voice I’ve ever had the pleasure to hear. Combined with a very heartwarming, positive and enthusiastic personality. He have a lot of things in common also in personal tastes I realized.
So I tried to befriend him, as it was natural, cos I think new friendships with artists I admire are always cool. Also, is a good base to lead to a romantic relationship in the future, and that's what I aspired. So I went to watch his stream when I could, and I tried to give my feedback in his artwork posts on twitter and dA, and in general, to make him know his art worths a lot. But it didn't worked...
Time passes and I thought I had at least catched his attention, because he started to follow me on Twitter. So I felt myself lucky and I thought to take the advice that my mom and a friend gave me, and to try to get closer to him to buid up a good friendship, and I was planning to tell him about my romantic feelings for him after being friends. Because I didn't want to rush things up. I wanted to know him a bit better before confessing my feelings and being vulnerable in front of him.
So that was my plan. And I thought it was a good one…it seemed like a great plan at the moment.
So time passed and I tried to hang out with him, to talk with him, but he didn't seem to be interested on me as a person, or as an artist either. On all that time, he only replied a couple of my messages, and even so, it gave me the impression every time I talked to him, he felt like if I was bothering him. so I couldn't stablish a friendship with him as I planned.
…But that's not the worse! The worse it's that, yesterday, I went to see what was new on my social networks, and saw on his Twitter a post about him meeting a girl a few of days ago on an online game, and announcing they were dating.
Which it’s strange to me cos it’s a person who appeared from nowhere, recently joined to twitter and has only 1 tweet O_O And if you google for her with that nickname she has on twitter, there's nothing about her on other sites on the internet. Plus, he knew her just a couple of days ago. In my case, I know him since last year.
Well in any case. As you can imagine…this is probably the end for this story.
And the end of my hopes to find a true love, who I can love and who loves me back…
Cos you know, I’m one of these peeps who, when they fall in love, their heart belongs to only one person. So this probably means…
…that I’ll be all alone for all the rest of my life.
I feel devastated! This news broke up my heart to the core.... ...into very tiny pieces, and I think they cannot be put up together again…
At least right now I think so...And honest to God I don’t know what to do!
What I should do now? Should I keep following him and supporting his work and try to build up the friendship? Or should I just unfollow him and remove him from my social networks, to not suffer in the future?
Why God let’s these things happen?...
And most important What I can do to take away the pain?….
Also… I can’t help but wonder if I picked up the wrong advice, I mean, if I was too slow and I should just have told him my feelings when I first met him like another a friend advised me, instead of waiting, like my mom advised me.
I also wonder if I’d ever had any chance with him, too. I mean, seeing how much I struggled to make him notice me, maybe I wouldn’t have had much chance with him anyways. I think if he was in love with me whe we first met, he would have payed attention to me since the beginning and talked to me…and commenting on my art and liking it, and that didn’t happen.
One doesn’t choose to who you fall in love with…it just happens. And right now I feel like the feeling that it's conveyed in this Phil collins song https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mEnUhjmwjlI
…But well, one can choose what to do if things don’t come out well for you and you’re not loved back.
I do love him, I love him with all my heart! So I only wish for him all the happiness in the world, and that all his dreams and his artistic projects come true! And of course, I’d still like to keep supporting his art, and I'd still like to be part of his life, even if not in a romantic way, but I still would like to become a good friend to him one day. So I think I can't help... I’ll always love him and support him, even if he never loves me the same way. Or even if he doesn't love me at all? Because that’s how true love is. When you love someone, you want their happiness, and you're happy if they're happy, even if they don't love you back.
In the other hand, I've talked with my mom and she told me that I was being dumb with this way of thinking, and that it was better for me to just forget the dude, since he clearly wasn't interested in me. And that by keeping supporting him and his art knowing he doesn't care about me I was going to be even more stupid cos it was going to be hurtful for me in a long time terms, and that is like if I didn't have any dignity. So, it's actually a case of lack of dignity what I have? I wonder.
In any case, right now I'm seriously thinking I'm going to dismantle all my art related sites and retire from art. Parce que putain! Almost all my future artistic projects (wether animation or illustration, or artcrafts) were inspired on him. So right now, that I've realized he doesn't appreciate me, not even as a friend... I feel like all my motivation and inspiration to art it's gone! Et ça fait sacrement mal au coeur!!
So I frankly don't know what to do... So yesterday I spent all day and night crying, and praying God…I prayed to seek God’s wisdom.
And I hope he can give me the strength and the wisdom to do the best thing in this situation…the best thing I imagine, is the one that would help me to find peace and solace in my heart…but I'm not sure which one is....
