I know that opening up emotionally in a public forum is sometimes in bad taste, but I feel explaining an issue to my audience.
A few are aware of my personal life and background, I've been dealing with a lot of a abusive people in my life even up to recent times. All of that baggage created a lot of self loathing and low self esteem issues that translated into my art. A lot of my friends and people that know about my art have asked the same question: "Why don't you draw more of..." Take your pick, High Gear Club, Bonding, Strings, Trick or Treat... etc?. Well, up to a month ago, I had a break through with my therapist about my issues. This very important breakthrough with my emotions explained why I did (didn't) do the things this way. I seem like I stalled or not really doing much of anything for a while. Well, I never stop drawing, in fact... I always draw, it has become my coopping mechanism and stress release. The truth is that I haven't posted most of my art at all. A few close friends have seen some of it, but over 80% to 85% of my art has never been posted (and never will). Why because its either vent art for myself or drawing other's characters and art styles for practice.
Why am I opening up about this? Because, its a symptom of an emotional issue that I've been dealing with, I don't love myself or my characters. I was drawing comics and pin ups of other's OCs and I realized, "why don't I draw my own? Why don't I show this level of love to my own characters?" All the practice in the world won't make up for the lack of attention to my own imagination and worlds. I saw what I was doing, it wasn't practice, it was just a way to dodge my own art and imagination. A coopping mechanism became just an escapist mechanism for me to justify abandoning my own concepts. This is why I didn't draw Libra outside of commissions or some (rare) vent art, this is why it takes me forever to draw comics that include my own characters. I feel like I've betrayed myself and let others down because of my own inactions on dealing with my emotional issues. I kept coming for excuses on why I didn't continue certain projects or why I never drew my OCs anymore... the reason, because I didn't like myself enough to draw them.
All of this stemed from years of abuse by my parents as a child and others later in life. Please don't take this journal as a "oh, woe is me." There are no victims, except for my audience, because I feel like I've let you down. Yes, there have been legitimate issues that have slowed down my progress, but I am at fault when there was opportinities to draw my own things I didn't take them. Too often I went "Oh, how about I draw this character, I would like to practice that style." Or "How about if I drew a short comic about this character and he was a suit all this time!" In most cases, I could have used my own characters and I could have double or trippled my gallary by now if I had. Thanks to this epiphany, I will close that chapter of my life and I have started to concentrate on my own art, OCs and concepts. Actually I'll start posting them very soon in fact.
I want to apologize to my audience for failing to deliver when I could have. I didn't mean to drag anyone into my own emotional baggage. I hope you can understand and you'll see changes pretty soon.
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1 year, 5 months ago
17 Dec 2022 19:50 CET
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