Hello everyone, I’m writing this to inform everyone that after some long and hard thoughts I’ve decided to retire from the fandom.
Long ago I came here to make a name for myself, to free my mind from the limits of society’s box, meet new friends and work my way up the totem pole of the social hierarchy within the fandom.
I had even wanted to meet the love of my life here someday.
While I have met many people and have gained great lifelong friends, to whom I thank for all the years of support, love, and humanity, I can no longer deny that there are parts of me that need more.
The past 5-6 years have been insurmountably hard on me and my mental state. It is no secret to those who have seen me, that I have my issues and have had a many a breakdown along with hard times.
For that I am truly sorry to those I’ve affected. I’m a insurmountably flawed and broken person. I’m not perfect nor can I compete with others any longer.
HOW I FEEL:
There’s many reasons why this decision has been made. I have made so many mistakes in the past, and have fallen so low in the graces and opinions of others that I am no longer worthy in the eyes of some who too have encountered me in the past.
Only my very few closest friends seem to see me as I am, and for that I am humble and grateful to you all for allowing me to bare witness to such compassion and dignity.
While truly do take joy in seeing my friends meet others and become apart of greater yet bigger things, it also sparks grief deep within me because I know my time has passed and I feel that I myself will never have the opportunity to feel or indulge in the same things they do.
It is hard for me to connect to the majority of people but I have always kept myself open to exploring new things.
For the past 1-3 years I’ve watched many of my closest confidants be acknowledged, meet new friends, some even speak to the some of the biggest names known (Todeskiddy, Salmy, Tycloud, for example) be drafted into clubs and groups (if invited and they have cute characters), get countless collabs with other names and their characters and be noticed, and even meet their significant other.
I get it. I’m not fun nor creative enough to be involved in anything.
Bottom line is, I have a hard time connecting to people.
While my taboo tastes and odd cast shares some of the blame for this, I’ve always been open to compromise and would accept doing so at any time.
My social awkwardness and stupidity share equal blame. There are many names I’ve met in the past that I am certain have forgotten me and I myself faded away from because I didn’t know how to interact with them or shared nothing in common.
Many I simply lost to the depths of the past because they weren’t interested in a deeper understanding and connection which I crave and strive for with time(eventually I like to get to know them irl if they allow it).
Others I genuinely forgot about or through the sheer busy nature of my life angered, because I couldn’t always be there even though I always kept my door open.
I expect nothing of anyone nor do I feel I am entitled to anything. I don’t tend to like asking to being apart or invited to various things, because I want to give others the rightful liberty to do so of their own volition and conscience.
I am a believer in choice.
I don’t want nor intend to be a burden.
In short, I’m depressed, sick, and tired of sitting in the corner. I can offer the same humanity and kindness as everyone else. I may not be the most energetic, bubbly person because of the things I’ve gone through in my life, but I love everyone no matter their clade. But people here aren’t reciprocating the same energy of investment towards me, and that’s fine.
As such I must accept the situation that my standing among others is evidently not favorable hence why the majority of people rightfully avoids me or glosses over my presence. I must hold myself accountable for the majority of my issues.
As such I feel I must take a step back from the fandom and keep my distance.
You all can try to convince me otherwise but as far as things stand, unless it’s something new I’m offered, a solution I’m not seeing, or the help I need, I’m not interested.
You can put your suggestions down anyway but at this point I don’t know.
WHAT HAPPENS NOW?
As for my ongoing obligations, I will honor them and will see to it to finish any remaining work and projects.
I may make a few more posts and after may occasionally visit every blue moon to see what’s going on but I will be withdrawing slowly but surely.
If anyone feels like doing anything art wise with my characters, you best get it now is all I can say.
Again if you all wish to suggest things, or have recommendations in general throw them in the comment suggestion below.
In the meantime I’ll be spending my time by myself. Perhaps I’ll run across another more receptive fandom if one exists. I’m excited to see what other things may be out there. Suggestions on this are also welcome.
To those who stood by me all these years, thank you for all the years of loyalty, honesty, kindness, understanding, and the dignity of which you my closest friends have given to me.
My fury and grief has no respite.
A note: All art is now in scraps
I’m throwing the match and letting it burn.
Newt65 OUT!
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1 year, 1 month ago
05 May 2023 20:42 CEST
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