Around mid-May I left my job at GameStop. Between our new DM hyping us up for a "larger than expected raise" for everyone in city (two locations) only for it to be a rather paltry one, and then having both my coworker and the store leader who hired me put in their two weeks--the two guys that kept me sane in the place and who I knew would have my back when I couldn't handle my own stress or anxiety issues--I knew I couldn't deal with it anymore.
And now it's mid-July, and I still can't find any work. I've hired a lawyer to take on a case regarding my application for disability, though that could take up to six months before they set a date. Meanwhile I've been applying to multiple places, and either get rejected in a couple days, or get one interview before I'm ultimately rejected. Getting constantly rejected is not a fun thing to experience, as it fuels my depression. Combine that with the near nonexistent self esteem I've had since childhood, I'm not really in a good position emotionally. There's a list of things I've wanted to do with my free time between looking for work, a backlog of games I want to finish and start, the main ones being finishing Breath of the Wild so I can start playing Tears of the Kingdom. But every time my brain even thinks of doing it, it says "Yeah, I should finish it..." but it doesn't give me any signals to actually put the game in the system, grab the controller, and play it. My brain automatically gets exhausted at doing that, let alone thinking of how much I'll have to go through to finish the game, and then how much more I'll need to do to clear TotK, and I just lay there with no energy or motivation.
I just feel like I'm wasting space and oxygen on this planet. I'm not gonna do anything to myself, I can assure you all of that. Right now I just feel like I'm letting down myself, my family, and others who want to do things with me that I just don't have the emotional capacity for right now. I'm just so tired of being and feeling like a failure.
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10 months, 4 weeks ago
12 Jul 2023 00:55 CEST
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