TRIGGER WARNING: The following is dark and speaks about murderous desire frankly and without judgement. I don't condone any of the harm I'm speaking about here, and the desires I talk about are purely expressed through and acted on in fantasy and roleplay between consenting adults.
Why do I desire killing in my art?
Understanding the emotional core of a piece of artwork is important, what am I doing if I draw without understanding this?
When I think of pleasant things, a butterfly, a barking dog, children around an icecream truck, the pleasure in them is obvious, so what of a collar wearing anime girl trapped in a unkempt backyard? What on earth is it that I gain from this? To violate and kill them, why would I find that at all pleasant? I thought for a while.
The theories.
Do I crave tragedy because I'm grieving childhood? Lamenting my own past, projecting it onto some avatar of the femnine side of my emotions, I create a subject for myself to cry through, a ventriliquists doll to torture rather than crying myself. If I accept being an adult, how does this change my relationship to my artwork? Does considering ANYONES sadness in ANY situation satisfy this desire to grieve? Can tragedy be explored outside of sex? Can growth and healing take the place of grief? Instead of killing to end somethings suffering, can I use my power and control to give it a happier life?
Do I want to violate the weak because I desire power? Control? To what ends? Power permits actions not otherwise accepted. Someone I'm so much bigger than, so much stronger than, It must be true that I see myself as weak because I make the subject of my affection and aggression something incapable of resistance. Can we make them incapable in other ways? Does a stronger and more mature but bound up thing work, what of just getting stronger myself? How else can control be taken, how about being asked for? Can consent take the place of overpowering?
Do I kill to avoid being shamed? The dead can't shame you, clean and simple. There's more ways to avoid shame: A blinded and deafened victim of my affection would serve just as well. So would someone incapable of really understanding their surroundings. As long as I am not percieved, not understood, not seen, then all is well. But if I am seen, death erases memory. If I'm only avoiding shame, would acceptance suffice as a replacement for murder? Being accepted? Accepting myself?
Do I hunt innocence because I lack confidence? Age or lack of experience both work just as well. Perhaps innocence is not a virtue in my partner, but expresses a lack of confidence within me. If I kill to avoid shame, does something similar cause me to seek out innocence? Not shame, but fear of being belittled, feeling small. The way that I would make myself feel if I was corrected, redirected, or told something. Can I just have confidence in myself instead of seeking out people less experienced than me? Can I accept being the student and not the teacher, at times?
So, right now, for something to turn me on, it's got to be the following:
Tragic, Weaker, Effectively Mute (dead or invalid), and Naive.
I might instead seek out the following traits:
Openness and generosity, Consent, Acceptance, Mutuality/Confidence
There is only one more question, what in me would prefer the former to the latter? What part of me is proud or comfortable with what I like and who I am? To what ends does a one sided sexual encounter bring me joy or satisfaction?
I believe it's the part of me that most wants love. To be understood, cherished, attended to by another. Accepted. I wasn't loved right and don't understand love well, so I developed a series of kinks. When I wsa younger I must've come to see sex as the fulfillment of a close bond, but I felt too tragic, to weak, to silenced, to naive to properly engage in relationships, let alone sex. Confused about how to improve, I built a lust that could steal the symbols of love and affection from others cruelly and coldly to feed myself, killing to leave no trace of my theft so I could cherish the moments I took without the victim there to contradict my story. Forcefully building a close bond with someone while also protecting myself from them because they're a threat to my ego.
Hm...
Welp, that's gonna be useful information going forward. No Limits Commissions are open, hope you enjoy my work! Cub Snuff coming up soon!
