This is a summary of how im feeling.
Basically i feel really bad. I dont feel numb or emotionless, i don't think i can describe it as that. Maybe a form of depression.
I feel like over 2023, my mental health has been declining, perhaps it stretched on longer than just this year, maybe its a gradual thing that accumulated in different places over a longer period of time.
As of writing this i feel vulnerable, like ass. I feel weak, tired and lethargic. As if im constantly sick. At the same time i feel like I am sick, like as if my body is battling a physical and mental illness.
I have no motivation to do art. The mood to do the things i love are close to zero. Things that used to be a hobby or a passion feels empty and mundane, boring. I can hardly think of anything to draw and even in tbe rare cases i do, i barely start and almost never finish. Id have to force myself.
I feel lonely, even though there are people around me. Last year, i started to get more triggered and i started to hate people more. My dislike for day to day people grew and i cannot pin point why. It never bothered me before why does it bother me now? Or has the world around me just gone worse and that now i have opened my eyes, i realized that people around me are inconsiderate and unlikable.
As for online friends and people, i barely feel any connection anymore, yet i yearn for it. My close friend group and those i grew up with are slowly drifting away and i cannot do anything about it.
My classmates probably dislike me because of my reputation and maybe its affecting me at the back of my mind but i just dont wanna admit it.
Then what is my issue? Why am i like this?
Is it unresolved heartbreak from 2020-2021?
Is it that my neighbors upstairs that are being psychotic and noisy driving me insane?
Is it that i feel lonely and aimless?
Or is it my worry that this is spiralling out of control and i feel more and more powerless each day to stop it. As the demon grows and i get weaker at the same time every day that passes.
My speech is slurred, i feel like my mental decline has also affected my mental capacity to understand, problemsolve and think...and that adds to the fear and stress thats mounting.
What if i become too far gone? Im losing my memories, is it too late for me, can i reverse this and go back to my healthy self? My optimal self. Or is the damage within me mentally and physically done and too far gone that i cant have that anymore?
These things, these thoughts haunt me. Even if i dont think about it, it pops up.
I dont know what this is. I feel like mental sharpness and awareness are also missing. Im zoning out more.
Maybe its my lifestyle, perhaps its the sedentary lifestyle i lived thats catching up, and many many unresolved things that haunt me and become a lump of mess that i cannot solve. Like a puzzle thats messy, too messy that i cant solve it.
I dont know who to talk to about this. Im afraid my parents are just going to worry, or they might say im over thinking. I overthink alot but i feel like this is different from that.
Is this extreme stress? Or is this depression.
Lately when im in the shower alone, i almost feel like throwing up, like i need help i feel like im in danger when im alone. But theres nothing around me that can hurt me.
Each time these mini triggers happen and the more i think about it the more afraid and stressful i become. Its like feeding the demon and the demon gets stronger.
I really dont know where i can turn to. This long post is just a cry for help.
Then again i might not like what people are going to say to me...and what if people say nothing at all...
I want to know what this is, i want to know im not alone. And i also hope to know that it can be resolved
Sorry if im not responding to all texts and messages and comments. Ill try, also in another note, iv been ignoring horny messages alot as, well...iv said above i cannot find the mood for it. Im sorry.
Thank you for your time.
....should i suddenly start texting my friends? Old friends? Strangers and my ex? Or will all of this just be forced and done in a whim to try and fix it...i dunno anymore
Oh i should mention, for physical problems, i have black eyebags no matter how i sleep, and iv been losing alooooot of hair...
Sorry if its dragging on too long, i keep adding stuff that I wanna say, writing sorta feels like an outlet, speaking to you guys, i might update this alot.
At the time of writing this im in my final year and doing final year project. 2 hour commute daily, 5 days a week 9-6 in class...feels upsetting and as if im rotting away and hoping time ticks as i cant talk to anyone in class..or well..no one wants to talk to me.
I dont know, maybe work and fear of letting people down in group projects weigh on me, i also dont know whats next in life for me when i graduate. Everyone seems to have thought out their life and prepared..im not..
It feels like dread and a spiralling issue..anxiety, extreme stress, depression...
(Might keep updating post with new text, just a heads up incase i do so)
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5 months, 1 week ago
17 Dec 2023 14:10 CET
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