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Hi.

Hello, my name is Dorian, and I don't really like doing this because I'm very insecure and there's a voice inside of my brain telling me everyone will believe I'm just making excuses to be lazy, and since I have diagnosed ADHD that voice is on repeat in my head 24/7 with another 5 commenting in how useless, alone, sad or "not enough" I am...

As you can see, I am... Not okay...

There's a lot in my head right now, and most of it it's not good...

Just two days ago I actually had a nervous breakdown... I watched the sunset while crying, my body twitched and my mind was a mess... Thinking about everything and nothing at the same time...

Have any of you ever felt the fear of watching your parents grow old? Watching how your mom becomes weak and fragile... how she starts to forget everything... The mom who was your super heroine, who did everything by herself for over 20 years trying to be the perfect mother and husband... The mother that loved you so much, because you were her little sensitive baby boy... Always there with her... The same mother who also taught you were weak, the same mother who taught you nobody was gonna love you because you're fat and ugly... The same mother who told you so many times she wished she never had you, because you don't get good grades and misbehave in school... The same mom that you *do* love so much, but you had to leave her because you just... Weren't happy with her...

The pain that I feel when I hear her voice on the phone man...

This is real life... not just in a tv show or a movie, I won't wake up one day and be 5 years old, and my mom wont be healthy again, and nothing will ever be as good as it used to... I will keep on getting old... I will lose everyone around me... And my life won't matter... Because I'll probably never be able to do anything important...

Im very creative, I basically come up with new "interesting" (for me at least) ideas every single day, do you really know how frustrating it is, to feel like you could be achieving so much greatness if only you had the... I don't know, luck? Talent?

I've been thinking of cancelling blazing hearts... And it really sucks, because I also put a lot of passion into it, like fuck I was even going to hire an assistant, I even payed for a personalized logo... And there were so many ideas, good ones, for the charscters and the stories... It would've been a way for me to also... Vent a little with some self inserting.. But it's also not *mine*... Do I really want to spend, who knows how many years" working on a fanfiction? When I could just be working on my ideas, my characters.

But what about my followers, after all the fucking fuzz about blazing hearts, all the stupid hype, I'm just gonna cancel it before it even fucking started... "Oh well how do we know you're not gonna do the same with your next projects! Is this how you expect us to support you? Is his how you expect to grow??"

Is that even real? Does anyone even think that way?

Does it even fucking matters? I'm just a fucking... Furry porn artist drawing your childhood characters in hot situations... And I'm not even big enough, who even gives a fuck about my opinion...

Fuck, who will even read all of this... I'm so obnoxious...

... I've also been thinking of... Retiring from porn... At least for a while...

I enjoy drawing porn, but I also have a very unhealthy relationship with it...

Like... I began watching porn when I was 4... I remember i spent so many days as a kid and teenager on my room just watching porn... I didn't even get horny off it, I just used to do it because... And porn and sex has only left me even more hollow...

I've done things with people that I didn't even wanted to be with... People who have hurt me, people who were disgusting, weird or just cringe... I feel like I have no value... That people only see me as a penis and a hole, and i do the same... Like I don't even feel comfortable having a "normal" relationship... I always need to touch or get touched... And that's not ok... I don't want to do something inappropriate, because I do like consent, like gosh it just feels so horrible when I don't feel like we're both liking it and enjoying it but that's also kind of an issue because then I feel like they don't want me because I'm fat and ugly and I did something wrong...

What am I doing writing all of this... I'm over sharing all this trauma to complete strangers... Just because I'm worried about what they might or might not think with what I do with my life...

I don't even know if I'll post it, and I'll most likely just delete after a couple of hours, or days, because "omg that's so cringe all that over sharing like wtf this guy is so weird, this is so embarrassing 🤮🤮🤮"

And before you ask, no, I am not planning on hurting myself... I'm way too sensitive and waaay too scared of death to do any of that...

But I have been smoking a lot of weed lately...

Thanks for worrying... I guess... Stranger...

Viewed:	368 times
Added:	2 weeks, 3 days ago 27 Apr 2024 08:15 CEST

15 Comments on this Journal

Leave a Comment...

BelovedBnnuyBaby

2 weeks, 3 days ago

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If you need anything feel free to send a message, I know I'm probably just a normie, but I'm a good listener.

Username111213499

2 weeks, 3 days ago

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Damn... I have a similar problem too... I know how you feel
While I don't have ADHD, I'm a perfectionist, which is a pretty shit mindset if you ask me. Anything that I make or do that isn't perfect just makes me feel worthless.
Stay strong tho.... I've been starting to realize that... With most people around me, if they do something that doesn't end up perfect or flawless, they are just happy they did something.... That the world we live in isn't perfect itself, and that is what makes this world real.
Another thing that helps is to not worry about people's opinions of you... I guarantee that most people you meet seriously don't give a shit about how you look, most people respond to how you act... Think about it like this, if you meet a celebrity, beautiful and wealthy, but the moment you approach them they start insulting your looks, you'd think: wow, what a douchebag, right?

Anyways, as I said, be strong and worry less, friend :)

Kellyn

2 weeks, 3 days ago

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I think the thing you need to realize first and foremost is that you are important. There is no shame in taking a step back to take care of yourself, and you are not obligated to give us followers anything we haven’t paid for. It might be disappointing for some, but there is always more content out there and we will live. Take care of yourself and then worry about us. None of what you stand to lose by stepping away is worth more than your health and well-being and most of it can be regained, replaced, or isn’t worth keeping in the first place (looking at you disgusting weird creeps)

As for the stepping away from porn or going to a safe for work artist I 100% support you if you feel it will help.

KodyWulf

2 weeks, 3 days ago

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It's okay to take a break from things you partake in! Better to make decisions after that break. Everything will be alright, just give it time. We appreciate you, but trust me it is hard to appreciate ourselves. I struggle with that too. I know -some- of what you're feeling. If you need any help with projects in the future, while I can't draw, I'd be happy to see if I could lend a paw. Good luck, and know that you're not alone in your battle. You have support.

NalliArts

2 weeks, 3 days ago

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man i totally feel you here, i kinda broke down since last year and still trying to recover.
Ive been delaying pasion projects and while like many of us like porn/making porn... i feel a big hollow for years now. trauma and relationship is also in the way.
I need to face the bad sea alone in my small boat... staring to the abyss to many times wanting to jump off.
but life is rough with little shiny and happy moments. and those are meant to be the ones we embrace until death reach our end

FrIgIdToStY

2 weeks, 3 days ago

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I want to make a long comment about this and give suggestions but I have some kinda mental block thing about putting my words down as I think them it's weird.

Anyways I suggest that you take a long break from the art scene if you are getting this stressed out maybe try various different hobbies and other outlets for stress related stuff just to see what works out for you. I hope that this advice helps even a little.

TheAtomicDog

2 weeks, 3 days ago

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This is not a nasty question: This this vent journal help?
When my awful temper used to be on the verge of me doing something TRULY ill-advised, I would go and yell into pillows. For minutes. And yes, it helped.
Did putting down all the junk inside you into an online Journal help? I for one certainly hope it did! Do some more if you need to. We don't judge here on Da Bun.
Or, you know, go grab some pillows.

RicoShou

2 weeks, 3 days ago

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Sending DM

SukottoChan

2 weeks, 3 days ago

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I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I understand the ADHD because I have it as well. My mom is also going through troubles. I have been staying with her for a few weeks because she had a bad fall. My suggestion is to take some time off from here and maybe try some meditation. If you should need to talk, message me.

Moonlight555

2 weeks, 3 days ago

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Sorry you're going through all that. I know how hard it is to pull yourself out of a spiraling depression. You are not alone. Take all the time you need. You don't owe us anything.

I know it may sound cliche', but when I'm depressed, sometimes just bringing my dog outside to play can help me feel better. It lets me focus on him instead of all the bad inside of me. Then I can pick one piece that's been bothering me and process that by itself instead of trying to process everything all the time all at once.

I hope you feel better.

Ryuji5

2 weeks, 3 days ago

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Grief and trauma will be a part of our history, but they don't have to be a part of our future. Vent what you need to. Cry out what you need to. The world is full of empathetic people who do care about the lives of strangers. Let your self be fragile for a moment, for a time where you need to be. And then when you feel you need to be strong, stand up! Walk tall and proud. I don't think it's just a coincidence that you sought out others for support when you need it. Humans are inherently empathetic to the struggles of others! Don't ever feel bad about asking for support.

Keep your head up, Dorian. The world is a beautiful place, even at its darkest moments.

DizzyCooper

2 weeks, 3 days ago

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i know how it feels  i get the voices that tell my im no good and stuff too, and i wory about my mothers helth as well  shes been bettling depression sence she was a kid. and during the past ten ish years after finding out what my ex step dad did to my sister when she was ten well my moms mentel helth has gone down the drain  and somewhat her phisical helth do to work related sholder injury.  being on the spectrum i think a lot about a lot and its not good  it makes my anxyety worce. a lot of things scare me these days...

never apolijize for venting like this  its good to let things out, have a good cry too, and sometimes we need help picking up the peaces when we brake down.  sometimes a close friend or two is all you need, and sometimes it dosent hert to seek a profesional to help you sort out your thoughts and feelings if you can aford to see one.

as for the porn thing i kinda get it  in my case its diapers  been a crinkle butt all my life and got in truble for it a lot growing up, parents never understood and forbid it and all that crap but it never stoped me. i wish things could have been difrint

hang in there bud  *hugs*

Healyheart

2 weeks, 3 days ago

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Some people are touch-starved and that's normal (if it's also non-sexual touching as far as I know and experience). Also you are important, regardless of backlash, if you feel like you can't put as much into a thing as you wanted, that's how it is sometimes. People don't always have the time, power, and yes, luck to dedicate to a project. I just hope most of your fans understand that. If you do continue Blazing Hearts though, I wish you the best of luck. And it's fine to take a break from porn or other types of art if you're not feeling it, especially if it's hurting you emotionally. The rest of us will just have to make do as you take care of yourself. I can't speak to the phone calls, my alzheimer's-affected grandfather wasn't around long enough after it took him for it to set in for me... but it always hurts seeing that happen to someone who seemed like they'd always be around, even if they weren't the best for you. I hope you have trusted people you can confide in in person and will listen.

Again, however you handle things or whoever you talk to going forward, I wish you luck.

Kuntboiii361

2 weeks, 2 days ago

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It's ok to retire from this dude clearly you got a lot on your plate. I think it'd be best to assess what your current talents as an artist can really get you. For what it's worth your art style is very unique and I'd be fine seeing it in a non sexual context. As for your mother cherish the remaining days you have left with her, tell her you love her tie up loose ends etc. It'll help you a lot moving forward if and when she finally passes.

Good luck dude and really decide what you want out of life.

WintersInk

2 weeks, 2 days ago

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Heyo Doug.

Feel free to message me if you ever want to chat about art, comics, porn or literally anything. I cant express enough how important it has been to me to have people with similar issues and feelings to talk to. Even just someone to vent to who will understand what your going through. The community I found and the friends I made help keep me sane in a confusing and frightening profession.

I still wish you well even if you dont want to chat <3 winters_ink on discord

-Winter

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