The song came to his hands, threading up and down steel strings whose tautness vibrated as he strummed. The frets were known to him, the chords were old friends, the rhythms were synced together. This was the most he’s played in weeks, months even. And he never wanted to stop. His fingers flew up and down the neck of his guitar. Perhaps it wasn’t so much that he was playing the guitar as much as it was playing him. Together, they were in harmony. Generating a song fit to rock the entire world.
It made him happy. Joy that couldn’t be expressed in words or phrases. Only melody and counterpoint, tension and resolution, give and take, and rise and fall of pitch. That was the language that he used. Right now, it was the only language he needed.
Zaul found himself lost in the world of his music, and time became immaterial. The smile plastered on his face felt foreign to the chameleon. It had been ages since he felt this good, or even touched his instrument. He even forgot the reason why he set it down in the first place. Why would he have relinquished the joy of making music? It was the only thing in the world that was needed.
The headphones around his head whipped with his neck and body as he grooved to the music. The wire was his only connection to the outside world, an umbilical cord between him and his amplifier. The thick wire thumped against his chest and legs and arms as he swayed to his own beat. Sweat pooled on his back and pits. His lungs pulled in life-sustaining air. His heart beat madly, wildly! Exhilaration tore paths across his body. He lacked any control and he let the music seize control of his will and drag him into eternal joy.
That is until the hand touched his shoulder.
Zaul leaped feet into the air. Suddenly the room and world around him returned to his vision as he opened his eyes in fright. The eggshell painted walls and shelves of his room, complete with tons of band posters, his stereo, and collection of guitars he pulled from his closet in a random act of inspiration. The last sounds of his strings echoed about his ears as he turned.
His flatmate, Barney, stood back a ways, equally shocked by the sudden reaction Zaul just exhibited. The horse mouthed some words, all of which were deafened by the noise canceling headphones the chameleon was wearing. Zaul sheepishly pulled one off his ear, still ringing from the force of his extended solo.
“Umm, sorry. What was that?” He asked.
“I just wanted you to know I made some dinner. I’ve been calling you for a while now. Guess you couldn’t hear me.” Barney answered, gesturing vaguely towards the headset Zaul was still half wearing.
“Oh, yeah. I was just… you know.” The chameleon shrugged, pulling the headset he wore down to his neck.
“I didn’t know you played guitar. That’s pretty cool, man!” Barney gave him a thumbs up and a wide smile. Zaul chuckled at the compliment.
“Yeah, well. It’s been a while for me, since I’ve been trying to move in and all. But I just… decided to refresh my calluses, you know?” He flashed his gray-scaled hands towards his roommate. The pads were still a little sore and his muscles felt cramped. His breath was still elevated, but it wasn’t the music that kept it so.
“Well, rock on, or whatever. I got some food out there for you when you get hungry.”
“Thanks, but I’m not too hungry right-” His stomach decided to growl right at the exact moment he was lying. Zaul looked away in embarrassment, having no idea where to even go from there.
“You sure about that?” Smugness slathered across his words.
“Okay, maybe, maybe I’m a little peckish.”
Barney chuckled as he turned to leave the room without another word. Zaul turned away too. He hadn’t really wanted to lie, but he was famished after his jam session and skipping lunch earlier. He unplugged his headphones and turned off the amplifier. The electric hum silenced itself as the last of its power supply drained from its capacitor and converters.
He held his guitar before him as he took it off. The cherry red body was plastered and covered with cheap stickers, worn from age and oils of many touches. It had been a companion to him for a long time, a source of fun and joy, but here it felt almost like a stranger. Like a childhood friend that he hadn’t seen in years meeting again at a different stage in life. The passion and fervor from before had drained out of him. It felt dead in his hands again, like it had when he brought it out of the closet. Zaul sighed and placed it back in its case.
‘At least, for just a moment, it was fun.’ He acknowledged. And that was enough for now.
—--
Dinner was a delicious vegetarian baked burrito with pinto beans and Swiss chard, all covered in oodles of broiled Monteray Jack cheese. Zaul actually was angry that he almost passed up an opportunity to eat something so delicious. Forkful after forkful shoveled food into his mouth with little pause, as it was with anything that Barney made. There weren't any specks left on his plate, but he still wanted more. And just like that, another was there. And he was half way through a third before he came up for air.
“Umm.. Thank you.” Zaul said, for about the eighth time that meal.
“Hey, it’s no problem.”
“Look, I just really appreciate this.”
“I can tell. I thought people only eat that fast in anime. Seems you were pretty hungry.”
“Well, I have been busy today. Must have slipped my mind.”
“Oh, yeah? Well, alright.”
Zaul fiddled with his fork a little as the conversation stalled. Barney was, all things considered, still a stranger. They hadn’t known each other long, Zaul had just moved into his flat’s spare bedroom just a couple weeks ago. It made encounters like this pretty awkward, when Zaul didn’t know exactly what to talk about. Beyond what little they have shared over the past month during Zaul’s move in process, there wasn’t much in the way of conversation between the two of them.
“So.. um.. Where did you pick up this recipe? I, uh, would like to try it again some day. Not that I, well, cook all that often.”
“Oh, just threw some leftover ingredients together. It’s not too special.”
“You think?” Zaul asked, floored that anything that could taste so good could be considered as such.
“I guess you could say I had some inspiration from those frozen burritos you bought the other day. Though mostly because I could do better.” Barney chuckled twice at the end of his statement. Zaul looked down embarrassedly.
“Well, they do in a pinch and are, uh, affordable.”
“Oh, yeah? Well if that’s enough for you.”
“No, no! I mean, really, thanks for cooking for me. I just meant for when you don’t. I just don’t want you to always feel like you need to feed me.”
“But I like feeding you. I’m just helping out.” Zaul gulped and looked away. Barney was too honest. It was hard on Zaul to rely on the horse for food, he didn’t want to feel like a burden. He wanted to contribute to the household and pay his own way. Money, unfortunately, was tight for Zaul right now, and certain expenditures were more pressing. Between moving costs, trying to budget around the difference in rent, and just general living expenses, Zaul wasn’t rolling in it. And Barney knew that. “But I hear ya. So just make me a promise, if you need a meal or three a week while you get back on your feet then just let me know. I don’t mind and you don’t have to feel like you’re completely relying on me. Kay?”
“I…” Logically, he shouldn’t pass up on this generosity. Honestly, the ease if he didn’t need to spend so much on food a week would go a long way, and there was always the added benefit of eating more delicious food like this. This independence thing was hard. New and fresh and just a little bit terrifying. “If you’re really okay with it?”
“I am.” The horse nodded and smiled. Zaul only half reciprocated, still conflicted but understanding that there were sacrifices that needed to be made. Freedom wasn’t free, he was finding.
“Umm, is there more? For you, I mean. Just make sure you eat some too, at least so I don’t eat all of them.”
“Well, if they have your seal of approval, perhaps I will go grab my serving.” He stood, his chair scraping back a foot or two. The equine was tall, and towered over the chameleon even on his tip toes. Not that Zaul minded, he had always been short. But something about having to look up to the 185 centimeter plus roommate when he was only around 167 made it even more obvious. The warm brown hued fur covered his entire body except for his mane, which was jet black and loosely braided. The horse had a way of looking so casual at all times. Every movement was so smooth and measured, calm and planned out. It flowed into one another, between reaching into the cupboard for a plate while simultaneously grabbing for the spatula. Zaul thought it was almost like a dance, the practiced moves and awareness of a man comfortable being in the kitchen. The chameleon imagined that you couldn’t really be a chef without gaining top-tier hand-eye coordination and spatial awareness. Barney was trotting back before too long and rejoined his roommate at the table.
Zaul decided to try and wait patiently for Barney to eat a few bites before returning to his own meal. The only sound in the apartment became the tinging of cutlery on ceramic plates. The conversation again lulling into a pause. He hated it, the silence. It bared around his head and made him question things. Things like what Barney really thought about him. Truly they were strangers, having met a month ago and living together just two weeks ago. Barney had a spare room that he needed to sublet out and Zaul needed to get away from his previous place. In Zaul’s urgency he didn’t question too much about his roommate, so now he had to make due with a name, an occupation, and not much else. But it could be worse.
Barney could be less handsome.
There was something in the manner he carried his frame. Like a strong tree that would bend against the wind but not break. Constantly assailed by external factors yet completely calm. He didn't emote much beyond a few smiles, but it felt uplifting when he did. The lack of worry he just extruded was cool. Like he could take care of anything, reliable and confident. It actually made Zaul jealous. Barney never seemed bothered by the silence when they were both in the room, so self-assured. Zaul always felt out of sorts. Maybe it was his own insecurities, or the raucous environment of his last apartment, or just some inbred condition of being. Whatever it was, Zaul wanted to be like him. Or be with him. The chameleon wasn’t quite sure.
‘Stop that, he’s your roommate!’ He said as he found himself staring too intently. And beyond that, they didn’t know anything about each other.
“You know what? You were right, these did come out pretty good.” Barney said with a shallow nod.
“Told ya. You’re a great cook, they’re better than anything I could whip up.”
“Heh, yeah, you did tell me.”
Silence returned. Mentally, Zaul returned to screaming. He had no idea how to follow such a terminal statement. Continuing would sound like he was up his own ass and changing the topic to anything else would feel too awkward, so he chose to silently peck at his remaining food and hope to God that it would be over soon.
He didn’t need to wait too much longer. Two sharp beeps sounded through the air, Barney swiped his phone out and scrolled a little bit.
“Damn it all to hell and back!’ He swore before standing quickly. Zaul was shocked about the sudden shift in demeanor. The most emotion that the horse had ever shown, including when Zaul scuffed the wall with his bed during his move in. It felt so jarring and the chameleon didn’t know whether to stay and ask what’s going on or run back to his room.
Barney quickly took his plate to the sink before looking for something in the cabinets.
“Uh, is everything alright?” Zaul asked, still unsure of the proper protocol here. But at least the apartment wasn’t silent anymore.
“I’ve been called into work. Of course it’s last second! Of course it’s right as I sit down to eat! Of course I’ll be walking in an hour and half into the dinner rush! I swear to Christ!”
“Oh…” Again, he had no idea where to go with that. Barney pulled a tupperware container out to move his half eaten food into. The calmness of his emotions were gone, bitter irritation returned. The furrowed brow looked so foreign on his face. “Well, anything I can do?”
“Gotta fully trained line chef in your closet you’re willing to lend me?” The sarchasm was apparent but the sting still hurt. Zaul closed his mouth. Barney tore down the hall towards his room, presumably to get dressed. The almost eaten burrito was still on the counter, not completely packed. Zaul looked down the hall, the screams in his mind told him to go back to his room. Just shut the door and leave well enough alone. Instead, the chameleon looked back at his own plate. Mostly eaten food stared back at him from atop the ceramic. Food he hadn’t bought, hadn’t cooked, and hadn’t asked for. He felt so guilty, just guilty enough to do something about it.
He stood. Tin foil creaked as he ripped a sheet off the roll, one of the still moderately warm rolls from the pan was placed in the center and quickly wrapped up in the insulating layer. Delicately, he placed it along side Barney’s half eaten one from before and he sealed both in the container. The little care package was topped with a clean fork. A togo meal all prepared. Just a moment later, Barney came back down. He changed his shirt and pants, his hands were about his mane, braiding the typically wild strands into a tighter weave. Zaul was sitting back down at the table to stay out of the way. Not wanting to be anymore of a nuisance to his roommate that clearly wasn’t in the mood anymore. The horse paused when he saw that his meal had been put together appropriately. He turned back towards Zaul, his features were a tad softer as recognition came to him. Zaul just kind of looked away, still unsure if that was the right thing to do.
“Thanks, man.”
“No problem.”
“Kay. I gotta go. Lock up behind me?” Barney was off before getting an answer.
“Sure. Oh, and thank you again for-” The door slammed shut, rattling the walls with its ferocity. The flat was again plunged into silence, “...cooking.”
Silence around others was a dangerous beast, yet its claws and fangs were always manageable as long as the conversation never stopped. As long as there was a distraction from second guessing the motives, intentions, and opinions of the others nearby, Zaul could manage well enough.
Silence alone wasn’t a creature, but a natural disaster. Unmanageable, unpredictable, and just as inherently dangerous. And unavoidable. Zaul hated being alone. It felt so oppressive, the silence. When there wasn’t anybody around to counter those scaring feelings and darker thoughts that stuffed themselves away into whatever closet, cabinet, or crawlspace had free reign of his mind. His scales were always gray when he was alone. They were often gray even when around others lately.
Quickly, headphones and music replaced the deafening sound of silence. The soft melodies of acoustic guitar did their best to beat away the clashing sounds of self criticism. The rise and fall, tension and resolution kept Zaul from spiraling too much into depression. The chameleon couldn’t imagine a world without music. Well, no, he could. He lived in it for a few weeks. Everything sounded out of key to him until a short while ago. And now, well, now he could tolerate it. Just a tad, just a little at the time.
He took his plate towards the sink, a stove top of cookware sat and accused him of freeloading. Reminders of exactly how incapable he was of living on his own. Relying on Barney for food was the least of his problems right now, but all he could think about was the look the horse gave him. The sense of appreciation, it gave Zaul another thought.
‘It’s not much, but I can do this. If nothing else, I can do this.’
The water was a bit too hot to handle; however, now living with a professional chef, he felt obligated to hold himself to a higher standard than before. Despite trying his best to remember all the rules and guidelines he asked Barney about, this wasn’t his forte by a long shot. And worse, his motivation was quickly draining. These weren’t his dishes, this was barely his flat, and he didn’t want to do anything more than go back to his room and curl up into bed for the rest of the night. But he started and some speck of personal pride forced him to finish. He didn’t want to give up and let the horse down, especially when he had been called into work, especially when he was already committed to starting, especially when he was already feeling insecure about Barney’s thoughts on him.
Zaul sighed, scattering some of the suds that floated upon the surface of the sink water. The last plate was finally placed within the drying rack. The food was put away in the fridge, far from the uncooked ingredients, the stove top was cleaned and free of bits and flecks of food, the remaining few pans were all that stood between him and the rest he was so desperately craving.
‘Come on… We’re so close.’
He plunged the dish into the hot, steaming water.
Truly though, he was willing to endure this frustration, this torture. The meal Barney had made was the only food he ate today, and the only food he was likely to eat. When even basic tasks like making food were an uphill struggle against the chains of apathy, he needed to fight for the little victories. And victories come with more struggles. Like following through on cleaning the dishes that he willingly took upon himself.
Up, down, up, down. The abrasive sponge attacked baked on food residue and oily grime. Each pass washing a little more away and away into the ever darkening water. Just one more pan, after this last one he could be done and go to bed. How did one dish make such a huge mess? Regardless, Zaul powered on. The music in his ears kept going on and on, shuffling across various artists and genres, combatting the ever growing dusk in his mind.
Twilit sky burned across the sky as time passed on during his chore. He hadn’t turned any lights on so the apartment continued to darken. Eventually the night blindness stirred him to flip on the single overhead kitchen light, granting him a halo of illumination as he finished his task. Countless streaks and sheens of his finished, cleaned, and dried dishes did warm his heart a bit. He finished them, he powered through, but now he was beyond exhausted. And still alone in the flat.
Zaul barely could lift his feet up on the journey down the hall. Dusk had completely fallen by now and there was little left than to curl up into bed. He didn’t even change out of his clothes. Music still sang into his ears, floating sweet emotions down his ear canals and straight into the pleasure centers of his brain. The comforter draped over his shoulders like a warm hug, despite the holes and tears in it. It wasn’t much but it was his, the whole room was his, no one else’s. But he was alone.
But not for long.
”Hey! Pick up the phone, pick up the phone! Hey! Pick up the phone!"
The alerting ringtone that KC made his personal notification sound tore through the dulcet tones of the hip hop beat of whatever the latest song on shuffle was. Zaul groaned, groaned aloud knowing he didn’t have the energy, wherewithal, or patience to deal with KC’s exuberance right now. But it would be better than just sitting around stewing in misery.
“Hello..”
“Hey! Hey! How you doing? All good? How’s the night going? Oh, Finny says hi! Say hi, Finny!” Silence came across the phone, the first and only pause Zaul was likely to get. “Finny says hi.”
“Hi Dex..”
“Wow, you say hi to Finny, but not me. I see how it is. After everything we’ve been through together, but I get you. Hey, Finny, Zaul says hi.” The chameleon sighed.
“Hello to you too, KC.”
“Ooooh, and now you’re trying to butter me up! Good, I forgive you. Anyways, what are you doing tonight? We’re thinking of catching a late night flick. Attack of the Killer Cambrians! Cult Classic! Five Pound tickets down at the cineplex! You down?” Zaul could imagine the look on his face, the wide eyes, the open mouth, the complete and total absence of fucks for what Zaul had planned for the night. Not that Zaul had much planned out anyway.
“KC…”
“Oh, no. I know that ‘KC’. That’s the ‘KC’ that goes ‘KC, you are the most awesomest peacock ever and you desire all of the praise and adoration, however I have in fact already have plans’.” The way he lowered his voice to mimic Zaul’s expression really dug nails into him. “But I have a huge brain, I know you are already in bed with the lights off. You can’t fool me, Zaully.”
“KC.”
“And that’s the ‘you were completely correct and I have no excuse not to go out with you and Finny’ KC.”
“I’m tired!” Zaul whined, realizing how much of a mistake it was to take this phone call.
“You’re always tired! It’s cause you spend so much time in bed! Come out with us! It’s Friday! And we’re young, dumb, and lookin’ for some fun!”
“The line is ‘young, dumb, and BROKE’! I don’t have money or petrol to go out with you guys tonight, Five Pound tickets or not.” Zaul was desperately looking for a way out of this conversation. But even with the affirmation of his lack of desire to go out, the offer to be included, to join his friends in their fun. It was almost tantalizing enough to stir him, almost. He still didn’t have the petty cash to expend on that. His bed was also way too comfy, but maybe that was the depression talking.
“Pfft! Oh, come on! You can- Wait, Finny wants to say something.” There was some jostling from the other side of the phone which eventually died down. Dex was on the other side of the line now, he wouldn’t be so pushy, or loud, or obnoxious, or..
“Zaul.” His other friend’s voice was so much deeper than KC’s pitchy register. And it also had zero tolerance for bullshit.
“Dex, I, I really just want to go to bed. I don’t have the money and I’m not in the mood. I really appreciate it but I-”
“I’ll buy.” He interrupted.
In the background KC chimed in “Hear that! Finny’ll buy. That way you can’t complain.” Zaul just bashed his head into the pillow and looked across the blank wall his bed was propped against. The popcorn texturing cast tiny shadows across the already dark wall, every so often a passing car’s headlights shone into his ground floor window. The radiant beams struck across his form and painted black mountains across the surface, and they were always whipped away quickly as they came. Complex residents coming and going with no cares for the poor enervated chameleon sick and tired of everything.
He didn’t have a response, or couldn’t form a response. These two were too difficult to argue with and the more he fought, the harder they’d press. At times past, it was endearing. At the moment it was irking. Dex didn’t say anything more and again Zaul was thrust into silence. Silence and the treadmill of terrible thoughts.
The mountains of darkness and blackness stood still, some errant bastard decided to sit just outside his flat. Their LCD, high power, damnably bright headlights flooded a space where it wasn’t wanted. Irritation gave way to anger and agitation, Zaul flung the cover off of himself. He launched across the room to slam shut the blinds. An act he chided himself for not completing prior to collapsing into his bed. KC’s voice crackled through his headphones.
“Hey!! He’s out of bed! Perfect! Throw some shoes on and let’s go!” That gave him pause. He peeked through. Cast his eyes out into the world and the single car that decided to intrude itself into his respite. A car he recognized. A certain peacock flapping his arm out the passenger side door with reckless abandon and a certain shark sitting casually in behind the steering wheel holding the phone to his ear. The most exasperated sigh of the night tumbled from him.
‘What the hell are you doing here?’ He asked as he walked back to his phone left on his night stand.
“Guys…”
“Zaul. Come with us.” Dex said, he gave no room to disagree but the tenacity of a man in love with his bed was made of stronger stuff.
“Dex, come on…” He pleaded, “Don’t do this to me.”
“We’re not doing anything, Zaully! You’re the one not doing anything! You’re being all boohoo in your room. Come to the movies and you can be all boohoo with us two! Plus. Attack of the Killer Cambrians!!”
“Seriously, you came just to force me to come out, didn’t you? Are you both really that petty?”
“Yes.” Zaul groaned at the ceiling, the hand holding his phone falling to his side. He breathed in once, twice, thrice. Plenty of nasty emotion springing up from his heart and soul, shifting critters scattering about unabashedly. He could hang up, toss his phone away, maybe even dash it against the wall, but all that required will and he wasn’t swimming in that. What he was drowning in was loneliness, and the only thing that was likely to stem that natural disaster was currently parked outside his apartment.
But his bed…
“Please, Zaul.” KC’s voice came through, the customary, trademark, over-the-top excitement distinctly missing.
To be wanted, to be invited, to be offered company. His indecision was splitting him in two. The desperate him that wanted to go out and laugh and smile and enjoy life again, enjoy seeing his brothers again, and the pathetic him that was viscerally angry that they dared to come unannounced and intrude in his solitude. Both warred over his will and neither found ground against the other. Embroiled in an internal turmoil Zaul looked down, the light of his friend’s car outside lit the space and reminded him of how few possessions he owned. And how precious those possessions were.
His guitar, muted red in the insufficient light, called him from the case where he left it. The brief few moments of clarity and zeal it had offered reminded him of the possibilities, the potential, the promise of better times. It had been a gamble when he picked it up earlier, a wager he ended up winning. And now he was called to roll the dice again. There was something to gain by joining them, but there was nothing but loneliness here. Loneliness and the ever cycling treads of tortuous thoughts.
He sighed, knowing he was likely to regret this. “I’ll be right out…”
“Good.”
“YAY!!!”
—---
It… wasn’t awful. The movie was a horrendous, forty year old, B-movie horror with cheesy overacting and nonsensical plot and character motivations. But the score. The score! That was actually fascinating to the chameleon. More than once he caught himself conducting along with his index finger. Drawn into the tension by the striking tritones and rapid ascending glissandos. The seemingly random meter changes and swipes through compound time to build urgency. Accent strikes and cymbal clashes marking critical moments by syncing with the action. Those were Zaul’s takeaways.
But maybe that’s because KC wouldn’t shut up the entire time. Laughing at the over dramatic acting, poor action scenes, gratuitous gore, and of course the Killer Cambrians. Everytime they killed someone was accompanied by obnoxious laughter and foot stamps from his avian friend. Zaul couldn’t help but thank God that they were the only three in the theater, otherwise they would have been thrown out. A silent KC would probably have caused a world-ending catastrophe anyway. Dex the silent shark he was just munched on popcorn while KC made a fool of himself.
The additional meal they treated him with was just as pleasant. The three just shooting shit about this, that, and the other. It was so much like old times, before Zaul found himself in harsh times. The weight and tension was lifting for the first time in a while, things felt good. It felt like old times before.
‘Before that bitch ruined it!’ He thought, but he stuffed that thought away. She wasn’t worth thinking about right now. Especially, when it would just destroy the best mood he’s been in for a while. The night was calm, the evening was pleasant, and the company more so. KC never shut up, Dex smiled large enough to see his missing teeth, and Zaul laughed. The time and hours passed on and on.
Zaul had a slight smile on his face as he leaned his head against the window in Dex’s car. The gentle hum of the engine reverberated through his skull, and he was leaning towards admitting that coming out was probably for the best.
“Hey, Zaully. What you got going on next week? Any plans? Like anything at all?” His peacock friend spun in the passenger seat to look at him in the back. The white highlights about his eyes were surrounded by shimmering blue feathers. They dazzled brightly as passing headlights, streetlights, and any other kind of light that they passed down the parkway. His eyes were wide and beak stretched wide in anticipation.
“Uh.. I mean, I don’t really have much going on. Still on the damn job hunt. Still gotta make money. Still gotta find ways to keep my damn mind at home.”
“Hmm. Hmm.” KC hummed as he nodded. Zaul found it odd that he didn’t continue and even the question seemed so out of nowhere. “Yeah, yeah. I hear you. Gotta get that money. Yep.”
“You okay?” the chameleon asked. His words had a foreign energy that wasn’t like him.
“Oh, yeah. I was just worried about you, and stuff. Just… yeah…”
Zaul scoffed and turned to look out the window. The concern felt so overbearing to the chameleon. Sure, he was jobless, desperately scrounging for any income he could find, but he was dealing with it. Sort of. Kind of. Thinking about things like that were stressful enough, being confronted with those worries by his friends was downright hostile.
“You playing again?” Dex’s rumbling voice contributed to the conversation.
“Oh, I mean. Not really, I just… haven’t had much time lately.” He let the lie hang in the atmosphere for a second. “But, you know, I did pick it up today! Just for a moment, wasn’t long, but I strummed. It, um…, it felt good.” Zaul couldn’t miss the way that KC and Dex shared a look at that. Or the delight on KC’s face. Or the sinking sense of dread as KC turned back to Zaul.
“Zaully! That’s awesome! No way, are you composing again? Or just practicing? Doesn’t matter! That’s super!”
“Yeah…”
“Look, the reason I ask, or we ask, or it’s cause, you see, the thing is-”
“We have a gig.”
The car went silent. KC just smiled awkwardly and looked down, shamefully failing to meet Zaul’s angry eyes.
“Are you fucking serious!? You have got to be taking the piss?! What the hell do you mean we’ve got a gig?!”
“Zaul, please, just hear us out.” KC tried to explain. Zaul was beyond listening. He erupted, spewing his anger and pent up frustrations from dozens of built up aggravations. The window fogged as he spun away from his friend.
“Fuck off. That’s all this was, wasn’t it? You took me out just to fucking spring this shit on me. What the fuck! Fuck sakes, what am I? Five! You couldn’t be arsed to talk to me like a goddamn adult.”
“Come on, Zaul, please don’t be like that. We’re just trying to-”
“I don’t care! I’m not playing. I told you all I quit!”
Immediately, Dex slammed on the breaks and turned rapidly into a nearby plaza. The sudden, drastic action terrified Zaul. He was whipped around, jerked by the intense burst of emotion. A couple of horns blared due to their maneuver.
Silence fell across the car. Both KC and Zaul only looked at their taciturn companion. His shoulders rose and fell, hissing breath seethed through his gills. Half a minute passed as raging emotions sank and soothed. Zaul just shook his head to himself, trying to process everything. His regrets percolated around the surface of his mind, finally coming to bare as he understood just why he had been ambushed. There were no words.
But eventually Dex turned and looked the chameleon square in his eyes, Zaul held them. They were soft, unrelenting, but still soft.
“Zaul. Play with us.” Zaul still had no words.
“I mean, you love music. We, we understand, we understand after… all that… you would need a break. We get that, we do. But… we miss you. And, we know it’s hardest on you. To not play, that has to be eating you up inside.”
Zaul was currently being eaten up inside, the struggles they were talking about were real. Painfully real. They etched themselves on his soul and in the fatigue in his limbs. The cursed thorns about his willpower and mind. The truth, he was never good at hiding how he felt, not from people that knew him the best.
The chameleon covered his eyes, he couldn’t look at them. Not without feeling exceedingly angry. At them both, at his own worthlessness, and at himself. To be so far gone that they had to concoct a bullshit scheme like this to even get him to leave the apartment. To even get him into a mood even stable enough to approach with this offer. The concern wasn’t entirely lost on him; however, the reigning problem he had on hand right now wasn’t that. It’s how much he just hated them. Hated them feeling sorry for him. Hated them for getting involved. Hated having to be at the whims of every single other person in his life. And hated that knowing that he couldn’t make it on his own. He hated himself most of all.
“Zaully.. We, we’re planning on giving you the whole pay.”
“...What?”
“You know, to help out with your move and all…” The taxed Chameleon groaned again. The fiery emotions were just smolders now, embers of red charcoal that turned his stomach in a sweltering pit of twisted feelings.
“Why?” He begged to know.
“It was Quinn’s idea.” Dex said.
“Yeah, but we all agreed. Us, Quinny, Petey, we all just want to help you. We… we’re worried. You aren’t playing music anymore, you hardly talk to us, it’s just… it’s hard to watch!” Silence returned. Zaul still couldn’t look at them. Stuck feeling way too frustrated to make sense of this conversation.
He wanted to say no, but in the same way he didn’t want to come out to the movies. He just wanted to ignore everything and be in bed, but he wasn’t at home. He wasn’t near his bed. He was with his brothers.
And they were trying to offer him aid. Aid he so desperately needed. The money, the joy of playing music, the hope of something better, playing in their band again. Happiness was right there.
He just needed to gamble, once more, on his future.
“When is it?” The words were no more than a whisper, and he wasn’t even sure that they heard him over the ambient noise and traffic. But he said them, he rolled the dice, betting on his happiness. He had never made a gamble so sure he'd lose.
“Next week. Friday. Roxy’s place.” Dex answered. Zaul nodded. “We can talk details tomorrow.” Zaul nodded again, in no mood for any more discussion. The chameleon felt so exhausted and so alone. So swept up in a storm, until a soft hand patted his leg. He opened his eyes enough to see the KC’s blue feathered hand alighting on his knee.
“It’s okay, Zaully. We’re here for you, all of us.” He said. Dex grunted his approval.
Zaul had no words, and couldn’t find it to care enough to try as Dex shifted back out of park and resumed their journey home. The tears dripped silently.
—---
They parted with little more to say than goodbye. The door pounded shut behind him as he closed it. Again alone in his own apartment, or well, his shared apartment.
“Hey… Welcome back.” The slurred speech came from the kitchen. In the dim glow of the kitchen ceiling light he found his roommate. Barney was still wearing his work clothes, but his braid was completely undone. Wild dark hair caressed about his face. Before him were a couple of bottles at various stages of drunkenness. There was a wide smile on his face but they didn’t meet his eyes.
“Oh, hey. Guess you’re home.” Zaul greeted, unaware of how late it got to be.
“I am home. I am home. My home. Not work, but home. And you know what? I’m glad I’m home. I’ve decided. I’m not going back to work. Not ever.” He laughed at himself before taking another deep swig.
“Oh. Yeah?” Zaul really had no idea what to do with that.
Barney sighed. “Bah! Just ignore me. Just like them damn managers. They never listen, why should you?” Far be it for Zaul to take offense from that statement, yet the chameleon did. Barney just scoffed and continued.
“Yeah, why would anyone listen to me? I'm just a line chef. Not like I'm the one most inconvenienced. Not like I'm the one busting my fucking ass. Thank you, Ms. Snake!” He held up a bottle in fake toast. Zaul didn't know who Ms. Snake was, he didn't know anything about what happened. All he knew was that he was conflicted between heading to bed and sticking around.
He decided on bed, this conversation wasn’t going to go well.
“Hey!” Barney called as Zaul walked down the hall.
“What?” Zaul called over his shoulder. Still damnably against getting into another thing he didn’t want.
“Thanks for doing the dishes, man. I, I really appreciate you.”
“Sure…” Zaul said.
Sleep was slow to come. His comforter with holes in it draped over him. His headphones were left on the nightstand. Thoughts still welled around his mind, but not from the all consuming silence. His tail wrapped around his torso and he fiddled with the end. Spiral of scales and dry hide kept him entertained in the dark while his mind went in loops too.
‘He appreciates me…’ went around and around, over and over, again and again. He finally fell asleep with a smile on his face. Another gamble having ended up in his favor.
