I write this more as a chance to maybe get some of my emotions out there. I'd like to hope to make myself feel better, but more than likely it's going to sound like some whiney-ass journal. DON'T READ if you don't want to know about my emotional state.
I'm pretty miserable. Like, there's no getting around the feeling of misery I have that's looming over me. That has been looming over me for the past few weeks. It's especially intensified by the fact I'm currently on an overnight rotation at work. I don't have any real good outlets for anything that's fun in the middle of the night. Places close between eight and ten. People go to sleep around midnight, ish. I rarely drink, so a bar would be out of the question. Left in this state on my days off from work (which is three of them in a row) I about lose my mind each night. It's such a desolate, lonely, miserable, depressing existence. I don't have any options of doing anything outside of my apartment because there's no where to go. I sit in front of my computer with almost no one to chatter at because most all of my friends are asleep at that time. And playing games just doesn't cut it when everything's all single-player and has been worn out. This overnight stint is only supposed to be till the second or maybe third week of January, supposedly, but I've a bad feeling I'm going to get stuck. The one overnight AM I'm covering for is working at another store to help them out, and it's possible he'll be asked to stay. The other is leaving by the end of January, beginning of February. So if that occurs for both it's about 9% guarenteed I'll be slotted into a permanent position and that just won't bode well for me. It's making me increasingly hostile. I feel angry and hateful. I don't get mad at the people who work overnight because it's not their fault. And I can't really fault the store manager because he has to run the store. But I have this growing hostility that makes me ever increasingly hate-filled. Almost to the point that I want to start breaking stuff. It's bad. And I hate feeling this way.
And you couple that with the sadness I feel inside that builds from the growing loneliness I feel every day. I just want to have someone to be with. To call my own and to share something special. But it's just not meant to be. And I find myself saying that every day. What makes it worse is that I have this pretty bad case of eczema that's got me all flaky and nasty-looking. So even if I did have someone I wouldn't be comfortable trying to be close because I would look and feel like a total mess. Gross and disgusting is all I can call myself. I can't go see a dermatologist until sometime in January when I can get some time off. Holidays in retail are the worst, and anyone, most everyone, who's worked it knows.
And of course, I write this before I go to bed, so I can sleep for my shift at work tonight because we have to be ready to open up in the morning. Like, fuck man, there's just no time to spend with family or anyone. And I'm so miserable, and so sad, and so.... fuck. I hate this and I hate everything.
I know that someone's going to want to write 'That it'll all be okay.' I get that. I understand that. I can't process that right now. It's just not something that's going to be actionable until some other time down the road, you know? And let me tell you all there's days that I'd rather just die in my sleep. I'd rather just let things be over so that I can move on to the next thing. Or take the greatest vacation ever. No, I'm not going to kill myself, so don't even think that. I enjoy being alive too much. But there's times where I just don't want to bother with anything anymore. Because bothering sucks.
I'm emotionally a basket case right now, full of deep, dark, dreadful things. Once something changes, I'll be better. Until then I'm just... BLURGH. Fuck. Shit. Piss. Cock. God damnit all to hell.
Merry Christmas or something.
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7 years, 5 months ago
25 Dec 2016 18:56 CET
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