So far from what I know, what I can assume, what I remember, and what I’ve been told is that my papa had been in and out of the hospital since last Thanksgiving for a number of problems, from a swollen foot to a growing rash, a bad fall to bathroom issues, and kidney failure to heart issues. I only got to see him a couple times during that period because I was working nights and there was transportation issues at home, I’m not going to point fingers. When I last saw him alive, I made a promise to him that I’d come and see him again when I got the chance. Then that dreaded day arrived.
We went to Madison that morning because my moms cousins daughter was having her Bat Mitzvah (when a young female Jew turns 13 and enters the world of adulthood) and all her relatives would be there. Sometime during the ceremony the rabbi was offering prayers to family and friends who either were suffering, were sick, or needed blessings and the rabbi told us if we had any names that needed to be said, speak their names, and someone in the family said my grandpa’s name. When the services and ceremony were over it started snowing at around 1:15 and we left at 1:30 to drive to the hotel we’d be staying at because there would be a party at night and a breakfast get together for everyone that lived out of town. On the drive there we passed my aunt’s car that was parked on the side of the road, and my dad just drives by but my mom was yelling at him to pull over, so we turned around and went back. When we pulled over my aunt got out and my mom asked if everything was alright, that’s when she said those dreaded words I didn’t want to hear; “Dad (papa) just died.” I got out of the car and just bawled, I felt a couple embracing hugs but I didn’t know who it was.
We skipped going to the hotel and just drove down to grandma and papa’s house. He was checked out of the hospital last night and went home so his body would still be there. It took maybe two and a half hours to get there because of the snow. I started thinking that the snow was a bad omen because I heard he passed away around the time it started. Once we made it, we went inside and my grandma was being comforted by a couple of her neighbors who I knew, she got up and we hugged her, and I started crying. She asked me if I wanted to see him and I agreed, she told me he looked like he was sleeping the way he normally does. I can never forget that image of him on the bed in the family room, covered in a blanket with his eyes shut and mouth wide open. I just remember holding his hand the entire time. We waited for my aunt, uncle, and cousin to show up and I still remember their faces and the weeping when they saw his body. My other cousin was in North Carolina when it happened but she was able to get a flight to O’hare in time and her boyfriend drove her to the house. Once we were all there, the mortician arrived and let us have one final goodbye before they carried him away. My aunt said I got to see him again, but it wasn’t what I wanted it to be.
Some days went by and I started learning things I wasn’t told. He was slowly losing his appetite and that he would need a permanent catheter because he had trouble passing urine. One day he told my grandma that he saw his father standing next to him on the hospital bed. On the day he was released, the doctors told him his left kidney had failed him and his heart was working at only 30 percent and that he would’ve had a couple weeks at least and that there was nothing more they could do for him. When they asked him what would he like, he just told them he wanted to go home. It was also decided by my aunt, grandma, the doctor and papa that he would want his implanted defibrillator turned off otherwise it would’ve keep hurting him at his current heart level. So they took him home where the couch and table was removed to put a bed in for him along with another one for my grandma. My mom learned from my aunt and grandma before he died.........no, I’d rather not go into detail.
I know it’s almost been a month now, but I still have those emotional moments, mostly in my sleep. My even scared myself awake one night because I thought he was standing next to me by my bed. Sometimes I still feel guilty about not fulfilling my promise to him.
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6 years, 2 months ago
13 Mar 2018 11:49 CET
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