I have my off days from time to time, especially in the winter. I've posted here a few times regarding my state of mind which usually boils down to more frustration than depression/anxiety.
Because the truth is, I am frustrated. Who isn't at least a little these days? The days I feel depressed are typically because of loneliness.
That being said, I don't need a therapist. Others do and that's totally fine. What I need is to talk to the right people, which is frustrating when they never respond or don't give the answers I want.
Then comes the next question, why am I lonely? The answer is complicated, but I remember a time not so very long ago that I was full of energy, and never turned down an opportunity to go ride bikes or swim or just hang out with someone who meant a great deal to me, like the little brother I always wanted. If I had the choice to return to my pre-teen years I wouldn't hesitate, but that isn't possible and isn't likely to be anytime soon. When I started feeling lonely I comforted myself by writing about my character Timothy, so much so I started thinking of him as my own child. By now I was hoping that I would be in a better financial situation (in a way I am, but still relying on PWD benefits) and have at least someone to co-parent with (Thanks COVID for delaying that time and time again) and be making arrangements for my Timothy to be brought to life. I envisioned Timothy to look like my childhood friend, and the truth is I won't settle for anything less. I want Timothy to look identical to him, in every conceivable way. However, there has been no definitive progress in human reproductive cloning, it is still illegal to attempt in most countries and hasn't been perfected, even if it is scientifically possible.
I have been waiting patiently for the last half-dozen years, but that's ultimately what I want out of life. A therapist won't make that happen, if anything they'll attempt to talk me out of it.
For now, I'm focusing on things I can control. I'm possibly moving to Edmonton in a month or so to a better living environment with occasional visitors, who share common (though mostly unrelated to this) interests with me. If all goes well by this summer I should be in a happier place, even though I likely have to postpone bringing my Timothy into this world by up to another five years.
(Posted in regards to the mental health awareness that's going around lately)
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2 years, 3 months ago
27 Jan 2022 11:37 CET
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