Hi IB!
Just to preface all this, I should say that I'm a pretty solitary person. Have been for a long time now. I wanted to pursue art again in my free time - more seriously than I have before in the past, referencing particular artists and their works I like. I've had this IB account for long time, though I never really thought much about posting on it until recently. Have some 3D stuff I'll post soon, but I wanted to write a journal first.
On a whim, I thought I'd reach out to some artists I look up to on IB - that inspire me and make me want to pursue getting better artistically. I got to show them what I enjoy, and what I've ben working on. Since I basically have no reputation / name for myself right now, I didn't really expect much more than just a nice response back - but I feel I got a bit more than that. I started talking with them over voice chats fairly often. Shared more personal details (within reason) about myself with them, if they asked. Commissioned some of them after that. I even got to spend time watching something or playing games together with them - when they were available.
But despite all of that - I don't feel like I'm actually a friend to them. An acquaintance - maybe, but not really a "true" friend. I'd like to try and be one, as someone who genuinely cares for their well-beings and not just the art they make - but I've been questioning myself about that now. Do they actually like me, or do they just tolerate me when I'm around? Do I talk too much, or not enough at all? Am I too abrasive? Am I too obsessive? Am I just an un-interesting person to talk to? Am I just not established enough as an artist to be worthy of being anything more than just "some average guy to talk to sometimes, I guess?" Maybe I just need to give it more time?
I'm terrified to ask them all this - to be brutally honest with them. I'm terrified to tell them how I'm actually feeling most days, and how much being around them helps me mentally. I'm terrified to tell them how much a simple word of encouragement means to me, or how good I feel when I make them laugh. I'm terrified of pushing them away - of being genuinely honest if they ask "how are you doing?" on the days that I'm really not. Would they actually hear me out in earnest? I know that I'd gladly do it for them, if the roles were reversed. But I just don't know, and I'm too scared to find out - to tarnish what little of a relationship I may have.
I don't really have a good way to end this, so I guess I'll just end it here. Wanted to get these thoughts written out for myself - and maybe this'll help others in some small way, in case anyone else is feeling / has felt this way too; to just know you're not alone.
And, if by some fraction of a chance that the artists I'm talking about in this journal (not going to name specific names, but they can probably guess who they are) happens to read this - well, I'll just say this: thank you for the good times I was able to share with you all, for whatever that's worth.
It meant a lot to me.
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7 months, 2 weeks ago
28 Oct 2023 13:57 CEST
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