Heya guys, time for another monthly check in and I will say this month it hit me kinda hard. Even if it is the usual it felt more than usual.
--Art--
I've been stuck on what to draw, but it really is how my brain works and it gives me troubles. It starts out "I want to draw something" but then my mind races through everything that I like in terms of characters and themes and such and it never it settles on one thing. Like how when people commission art, they have an idea and the artsit draws that idea, plan and simple. I'm drawing but I can never settle on one thing at a time until I start looking for refs and then my mind slows down. Point being that I have still been drawing but my mind is racing so much that it is hard to set on one idea otherwise I move on to something else. I've been just struggling on what to draw because I have so many option. I know I repeat it over and over again but you get it. I picked up traditional drawing again with a empty sketch book. The small projects I have, I always forget about them and when I do want to do something with them, my mind goes blank and I forget them again, its just a never ending cycle. I don't know how to manage things, but most importantly how to manage my mind. If I can just manage my mind, then I can do so much more.
--IRL--
So this is where I took a big hit. Went on Spring Break in which I was happy that I was away from school and not having to think about it. Finally a break, but it is the only break in the spring we get. Then when I come back, just depression hit me a lot. I was just sad and down coming back. I'm very slowly getting better. I just didn't want to do anything for a whlie which thanks to the classes I had I didn't do too much. And when I get down, my mind just thinks of the worst thing that have and will happen like if I want to draw, the anxiety of making look good and worrying that I'll look bad just hit. Coming back to school, I felt like I didn't want to talk to anyone, even over the weekend others noticed my mood, but I couldn't tell them why I was like this. I always think I'm in control but I'm not. I just don't know what I want to do, I don't know who to talk to, I don't know just.. what I am doing.
--On My Mind--
Even if my mind is uncotrollable from the rest of me, I still just get there random thoughts. Like I want to be productive but then I get shut down. I do want to do thinks, but just unsure of how to go about them. It is a lot of planning involved and it feels like I don't have a lot of time for that because what I see is thinks popping up everywhere. Then when I try to do anything I just stop and my mind races but never gets anywhere. So then I end up stopping, but I do come back to it, but then it just becomes a cycle of unprodutcivity. I guess in all of this it is like "was it worth all the struggle" to that I don't know, "was it worth it" maybe, still don't know, "did you feel any different after finishing it" no. I'm just never in control of what I do from these after thoughts. And besides all this relating to my creativity it also relates to my life.
Well that's all I have for this check in but before I go I want to ask. Do you enjoy these entries? Should I keep going or stop? I've just been doing these cause I thought it would be fun and like do something different and to show that even if what I do it good, this is what I've been struggling with.
Well now that is all I have to say, if you have questions, ask them I'm down for any type of questions. Thank you for your time.
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1 month, 3 weeks ago
27 Mar 2024 05:08 CET
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