Howdy
A few days ago, I was at the psychiatrist.
Given the test results and his general impressions talking to me, he was certain that Aspergers was the proper diagnosis (technically, this is simply called Autism Spectrum Disorder).
I was momentarily disappointed when this led to him saying "you certainly don't need medication". I was once more afraid that all my coping strategies had been so effective that he would not admit there was even a problem. Akin to someone learning to lean on a broken leg without flinching.
I agreed for the most part. My Aspergers is not something that needs to be "treated", it is simply my personality.
I have however had a myriad of debilitating symptoms, which many mental exercises have NOT helped keep in check.
My own humble "self-diagnosis" was as such:
1. Trouble concentrating (which is an aspect where ASD overlaps with ADD) - I have had to put a monumental effort into convincing myself to do basic tasks. And when I had to switch between different kinds of tasks, the effort required multiplied. This is "solved" by an equal amount of discipline and "just doing it anyway", except
2. The effort required causes exhaustion. In social situations, this is nigh instantaneous. Exhaustion causes stress, and the sudden inability to have any overview of a situation causes fear and frustration, which in turn causes
3. Anxiety and depression. Disorders in their own right, which one might try to treat directly.
Pull out the first step of this chain, I thought, the cascade collapses.
I've had the distinct sensation that "what was wrong with my brain" was its inability to get information from one end to the other. Which is essentially what ADD is, when you look it up. The Dopamine receptors are broken, and the medication for it specifically aims to refire them.
So I thought Ritalin was worth a shot.
The psychiatrist started by saying this wasn't something he could prescribe.
I suspect some layers of bureaucracy prevent him from prescribing it to someone who doesn't have ADD?
Well, for better or for worse, I managed to convince him, and apparently he could prescribe it after all...
I am currently on day two.
With some certainty I can say that it does indeed remove a lot of the effort required to make small trivial decisions. I just got up from my seat during my workshift and decided to cook an actual meal spontaneously. This isn't supposed to be impressive, but this is the sort of thing that I've consistently cut out of my daily routine, because I needed what little energy I had for important things.
The downside is I have headaches. But they are "good" headaches of sorts? As if the brain is stretching unused muscles, that have been lying dormant to the point of rotting. It was worse yesterday and better today.
Unless something dramatically worsens, I have good hopes this will improve my life significantly. I have a social engagement tomorrow, we'll see how that turns out.
Does this mean I have Aspergers *and* ADD? Who knows? The psychiatrist seemed to think that a prerequisite for an ADD diagnosis was that symptoms were present in the childhood (which they were decidedly not). Perhaps I have a secret third thing.
Anyway, if you've suffered like I have, consider presenting this story to a doctor as anecdotal evidence, which we all know that scientists love.
I hope you all stay safe. Cheers.
EDIT:
On further introspection, my tendency to shy away from social situations in my childhood and my desire to escape into my own inner worlds of imagination might be viewed as the progenitor to the ADD aspect. There is some wisdom to the concept of my "vast intelligence" and pattern recognition simply compensating, meaning that I was still able to do school work as needed, even though I didn't want to.
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1 month, 1 week ago
19 Apr 2024 16:21 CEST
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