Hello... whatever Kingdom Hearts fans are called! Probably Keyblade Wielders or something.
Disney wants to make a movie of the game that has all their movies in it.
Maybe you're not a Kingdom Hearts fan. Maybe you don't know wtf that is except it has Mickey Mouse and anime in it. Lemme tell you what you need to know:
A LOT HAPPENS IN IT.
Like A LOT.
The Disney characters bouncing around are actually the least confusing and objectionable part of the whole thing. Most of the time their contribution to the story is "Remember the already-existing movie Disney already made that I was in? Yes, that, and also I'll help you fight Xehanort." If you don't know who Xehanort is, good. I wish I didn't know who Xehanort is. Anyway, Donald and Goofy follow Sora around and react to the ongoing story, and pretty much only Mickey is consistently proactive in events.
The Final Fantasy characters are a little bit more involved, but they're almost all side characters who help give exposition and set up the main characters.
The original characters in Kingdom Hearts are SO. DAMN. COMPLICATED.
- You can split them into two other people, neither of whom is the same as the original.
- The original can sometimes come back without the other two having to die to make them again.
- A third or fourth person can be made if the above process is done imperfectly.
- The pieces of a person, instead of becoming a new person, can invisibly piggyback on other people without them knowing.
- IN ADDITION TO ALL THAT, there are clones. Like, made-in-a-lab clones.
- Some characters pretend to be other characters.
- Some characters possess other characters.
- There's time travel.
- The bad guys intentionally exploit and exaggerate how confusing all this is, including making up entire fake lore, to keep the good guys and the guys in the middle from acting effectively.
I just had a conversation with somebody about a very similar problem that happened for Transformers. The seventh Transformers movie, Rise of the Beast, partially adapts the older Beast Wars TV series. In both the series and the movie, the robots are from what we consider the future, they went to what we consider the past, and they waited the long way to get to what we consider the present. Does that make sense to you? Because it didn't to the test audiences. So the final cut of the movie never actually brings that up, even though the movie doesn't make any sense without that detail, because Optimus Primal is named after Optimus Prime because the older Prime is a legend from the distant past.
What the fuck chance does Kingdom Hearts have of making any sense to the public??? This adaptation is doomed at the very premise. At best it's going to be like the Harry Potter movies: all well and good so long as you treat the original work completely like a joke.
Fuck, remember when Disney made good movies. That was really something.
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1 month, 1 week ago
29 Apr 2024 20:55 CEST
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