I've been very depressed lately everyone. Probably more than I've ever been. It's such a depressing thing, watching the love fade from someone's eyes over years when they look at you, that you grew to love so much. My phone deleted everything I wrote since I can barely type how I feel around a certain emotionless, heartless jackass...but I just wanted to say, I really miss Sun and Moon, and I miss the person I used to be when I was naïve and trying so hard to grasp what was left of my relationship. I'm sorry if...I really can't go back to that person. I've been too changed. I went through too much hell. I don't feel like the same person at all, in fact, I feel like a monster. I feel if he saw my heart now, he would recoil in disgust and fear. I'm ugly and rough now, a battle hardened warrior... I'm just so different then I used to be. And I'm just...so tired of men. Of cis straight men. They are so angry. SO angry...sure I get pretty pissed now a days but nothing like them. Is it any wonder why we're all choosing the mf bear? Those with vaginas have fucking had it with you. We're tired of the lies we get sold, we're tired of the anger, we're tired of that looming feeling of constant danger over your shoulders. I hope to God I never intimidate a woman or fucking yell at one. It just does so much more harm than it can ever do good...I'm scarred by my ex just yelling in my face when I was crying to just get some mf compassion out of him but...he hasn't had that for years. I just don't know why toss me away? Why throw all my love away? I'm poly, I needed MORE love not fucking less, not to be ignored constantly, even by my own mother, he even took my own mother from me! So taking all affection, all fun, all sex, all touch, all love from me but that wasn't enough either you had to win my mother over with just the fact you'll always probably make more money than I ever will. Congratulations, you gained her favor and it was so easy with just money. Well if a parent can be bought like that, they were never shit to start with and never deserved children.
But anyway, I've been very busy and extremely depressed, I've even been suicidal again and just...nothing is the same. I want to go back to loving being creative and loving all that stuff but...my life just went to hell. It was always hell but it went to even more hell, just for me being trans and fucking poly. I'm going to try to get this nasal spray oxytocin since all love has vanished from my life, it should at least alleviate some things and hopefully I don't off myself, but I worry that I may never be able to escape them. I'll try to hang in there for a while longer but if I'm around them too much longer and I really can't escape and be on my own? Then I'm calling it quits. Cuz even having transition is not enough to be free. I have to be independent and without them. Then I can actually be happy and really have the kind of life I want to live.
I also know why now the breakup truly, he couldn't handle having a sexy transman boyfriend that he couldn't own all sexual rights to. It bothered him so much the thought of anyone else pleasing me when it doesn't do that for me when if he would be pleasured instead. I think now he felt emasculated by being with me, that he just couldn't dominate me and get me to submit to him. I guess a damn woman even made a better man than you, even when I identified as one. Fucking yikes bro. Imagine having 12 years with one of the easiest partners you could have had if you were just way more sexual and interested than that, and you really fumble the ball over and over again? It spent a reaaaaal long time in your court bro, idk how you fucked this up so bad and fucked up someone's heart and soul so damn bad. Idk how a man can be so incompetent. Truthfully maybe he was so angry cuz he honestly needed a man to take care of HIM. He needs a lot of therapy, needs to drop the toxic masculinity bs, and needs to learn that displaying some emotion is kiiiiinda needed in this life. Well if me just being so romantic and sexual was truly too much, I honestly think you're a pussy dude. And I have no more patience and time for cowards. I need to focus anyway, and all love stuff is making me fucking sick. Songs on the radio, pics, all kinds of things even porn is pissing me off sometimes.
So I guess I mean to say. I need a real mental health break. I need to not only decenter men, but decenter romantic love and that's so hard when I've wanted that so much in life. And now I have to just, pack away my largest desire? Really work on my damn self? That shits too hard on your own. Art and stuff is not doing well to distract anymore, and in a way, I sort of...want to fall off of the internet. I want to fade away. Everything good in my life has, and all I have now is my transition and so many traumatic memories. And a deep longing for my old passion, sun and moon, but I feel like I'll never be that person again. Idk when I'm coming back to the stuff but my life's gotten too shitty, I'm still grieving, all the fucking time, and I really gotta get in a better headspace and do all I can to never rely on another person's "help" again, never need their presence or money again, and certainly not a man's.
