For most of the past year I've been putting a lot of thought and effort into bettering myself. Not just insofar as my transition, career, and relationship goals, but to make sure I don't make any awful mistakes like the ones I made last year while doing all of those same things.
I've always been suspicious of myself as someone who's just overcompensating for my awfulness just beneath the surface. That I'm ultimately doing what I do purely for my own benefit, and if left to my own devices I'd run amok and damn the consequences. On the one hand, admitting to this makes me feel like I'm victimizing myself despite being the instigator, but on the other, realizing that I could and did cause real, lasting harm to others - especially those I should've cared for the most - did result in real trauma for me, too.
I know I've regained a lot of the trust I lost since then, but the carelessness that led to me losing it in the first place still makes me feel like there's still something out of view that I might not have considered. The harder I push and the further I get towards being who I want to be - and be seen as - then the worse it'll get if, and when, I slip up again.
