Bribe the Ferret, Not the Dane
by tannim
February 17, 2010
Bribe the Ferret, he liked his name. He used it a lot. "What's your name?" he was was asked. "Bribe" He'd answer. "Bribe the ferret?" They'd ask uncertain they'd heard right. He'd smile and hold out his hand. "Only if you want to get me to do anything" He'd joke.
Yes, Bribe liked his name. His favorite joke was for police. He'd walked up to one, in a store one day, and struck up a friendly conversation. For his own amusement.
"Hello, would you you take a bribe?" He asked with a patient look on his face.
"What? No I don't take bribes." The officer, a great dane, frowned. "Why?"
"I said bribe, not bribes." The ferret corrected. "Would you take a bribe?"
"No, I won't take a bribe." He growled.
"Oh, I'm glad to hear that." Bribe calmly picked up several bags of chips from the dane's cart, smiling to him as he did so, and calmly left the store.
The alarm went off behind him, but he ignored it. The ferret heard yelling behind him. He ignored that too. A hand grabbed him and spun him around. He looked up into the great dane's eyes.
"You said you wouldn't take a bribe, sir." He set the chips down and held up his ID, that he kept in the palm of his hand.
The officer read it then looked up at the ferret, then back down at the ID again. He glanced back to the store, where the owner was leaning against a wall laughing. He looked back to Bribe and stepped back. Something was wrong. The dane gripped the ferret by the shoulder and propelled him back to the store. The owner, and the manager, were both trying to hide snickers.
"Alright, what's going on." The great dane growled darkly.
"Hey, I DID ask if you'd take a bribe. You said no..." The ferret protested indignantly. "It's not my fault you lied.
The store owner managed to smooth out her face enough. "Sorry, sir, we couldn't resist. He paid for the chips before this happened. He was trying to make a comedy sketch with you." She cleared her throat and wiped a tear from her cheek fur. "Erm, well, don't be stealing from us again, young Bribe."
The great dane crossed his arms across his chest and looked from Bribe to the store owner to the manager and back. "Looks like you got me. I don't want to be a liar so I guess I can't take you in for this." He smiled and barked a laugh. "I'll admit, it WAS a good gag."
The dog grabbed the ferret and drug him in close until their noses touched. He stared for several seconds, his upper left lip fluttered in a snarl. He looked back and forth then leaned in.
"And if you do that again, I'll be forced to do something that 'I' enjoy. And if you put this on any television or internet video. Well, I have your address. We'll just see how funny it really is when I'm off duty and can introduce you to Mr. Night stick... He's the kind of guy who forgets a face... or a skull, so he'll need to be reintroduced repeatedly!" The dog pat the ferret on the head suddenly and walked away without another word.
He walked to his car, then back and grabbed the bags of chips. Back to the car again, then back to toss the cash for the chips onto the ground. One his second trip back to the squad car, with Bribe looking quite pale and stunned staring after him. He suddenly stopped and came back a third time, this time visible cracking up and barely containing his own laughter.
"Your expression was worth it, kid. Oh shit I'm about to piss myself. You actually believed me... I'm a better actor than I thought." He jerked a thumb back to his squad car at his partner holding their own camera on the situation. "You're not the only one making videos. I figured on the force we see a lot of funny shit. You're the first one we've run into that was doing the same thing. I want a copy of your video when you're done. If you like, I'll give you one of mine. Who knows, maybe they'll go well together."
Bribe looked up at the officer, his face still frozen in a stupefied grin of Oh Shit. He shuddered as he realized he wasn't dealing with somebody who was about to carry through a rather unpleasant threat and managed to straighten himself up. He looked around, and wasn't too surprised to see the manager and the store owner had gone back into the store the moment the threats had started.
"Uh, yeah, sure, pal. Uh, well, you have my address, heh." The ferret pulled himself together at last and forced himself to relax. "Totally worth it." He grinned and ran off, leaving the great dane shaking his head and on his way back to the car.
